The Ending of a Chapter

How do I sum up my three years at Cedarville University?

The goodness of God. Even when I couldn't see it, or didn't want to see it, it was there, HE was there.

In every single thing that has happened, the Lord has been preparing my heart and teaching me to rely solely upon Him. My deceitful heart has not always been thankful for what has come my way, and I have walked away at points and needed to run back, falling on my knees and once again surrendering myself and my life to Him. But the Lord has also showered me with his grace and mercy.

I am not the same girl who walked onto this campus three years ago, and every single day I thank the Lord for that. That is not to say that I don't still struggle sometimes, because you all have seen that I do, but the Lord has transformed my heart and mind. I got a wonderful education here at Cedarville, but I think the most important thing is how spiritually strengthened I have been by faculty, friends, and my people at Dayton Avenue. What a joy it has been to been to have faculty become friends, friends become family, and a church that has shown me how the body of Christ is truly supposed to function. I have seen the goodness of God as I've walked along this path. I must admit I am horribly sad to see this chapter ending, but I'm also thankful to not be leaving town until the Lord calls me elsewhere.

Lessons I Have Been Learning

About two weeks ago to this day I realized that I was about to go broke. Like- actually broke. Not a penny to my name. Plus my rent was already past due and my utility bills were quickly approaching. Now, I will admit that I've found myself in difficult spots before where I've had to ask my parents for $20 for groceries, but this was different. My parents have been so gracious to me during this time so I am very thankful- they have provided money for a host of different reasons- but their money was running out as well. Just the mere thought of this sent me into a deep depression which has meant all the typical things- me unable to get out of bed, the only good part of my personality basically being nonexistent, isolating myself- the usual. Most significant and if I'm being honest, the most terrifying part of it all though is that I allowed myself to fall very behind on my schoolwork (I almost say this with a bit of a laugh though, because I have a very dear couple who their first question for me when I'm not doing well is- "How's your schoolwork?" Sorry T&C, it ain't good.)

My 21st birthday quickly approaches, and I have found it difficult not to compare it to where my mother was at this point in her life- freshly graduated from Cedarville, and about to get married to my father with her life much more in order than mine is currently. When I turn 21 I will be in the throes of an uncertain senior year also at Cedarville, with no clue what my next year of life is going to look like, and single as all heck (that part doesn't actually bother me, though.) I'm not where I want to be spiritually, mentally, and even physically, and it feels like the waves of life just keep tossing over me, and I am unable to catch my breath. I get frustrated a lot because I allow myself to think a lot: "Well, if Nana was still alive, x, x, and x wouldn't have happened." Now- I know that in reality if Nana was alive, though some things would have been able to be resolved or prevented more easily, she was not the panacea for my life.

So through this whole mess I have been learning and re-learning some very difficult lessons:

1) I need people.

                           Some of y'all are going to think I am real stupid for putting this as a lesson, because this is really obvious, right? Not so simple for my serotonin-lacking brain. When I am having a depressive episode, I tend to isolate myself rather than surround myself with people, which ends up making things so, SO much worse. Living alone, this escalates things. Even though I tend to get anxiously attached to people, I have had to face the hard truth that I actually need people to steer me in the right direction, to ground me, and to provide encouragement during the difficult times. After a quick coffee chat with my discipleship professor, he even recognized that in me. I thrive the most when I am regularly grabbing coffee and meals and just spending quality time with the people that I cherish the most. This goes hand in hand with my next lesson.

2) Humility is key.

                          I have a strange fear of being arrogant. I literally went into the office of my boss a couple of weeks ago and asked him if he thought I was arrogant or not. But I've realized over the past couple of weeks that I have had a pride of a different kind. In my not bringing myself to get help, to ask for help, to bring myself around people...I've been believing that I can do it all on my own. That I can manage the mess that is my life on my own. I've even skipped counseling twice in a month because I thought I couldn't give up an hour of my precious time to accomplish things to actually let it all out- spoiler alert: big mistake. I've never been able to do it all on my own, and I certainly cannot right now. So I've had to come to a point of accepting my life and myself as I truly am right now, and that many things are beyond my ability and control.

3) I need to look for what the Lord gives me and be grateful, even if it is not necessarily what I want...
                       This has been really difficult for me. I like to pray bold prayers because I know that the Lord answers bold prayers, but many of them have either not been answered, or have been answered in ways that I did not quote-on-quote "want." Whether it be relationships that weren't restored or did not deepen as I wanted them to, wanted opportunities that never came to fruition, difficult situations I was not delivered from...for the most part the Lord has fulfilled those wants) and what I thought I needed) in different ways. Other people were brought into my life, food was provided to me, I somehow ended up with just enough money for groceries, and people surrounded me for support in those situations I could not get out of. I'll admit sometimes I just am so upset that life isn't going how I'd like that I can't even notice what the Lord is providing, or I refuse to not be grateful. I am trying to turn that around.

Anyways- back to the whole "I'm broke" situation- it's now been resolved, thank goodness. Not through methods I would have wanted, but now I do not have to go into any further debt to pay for my rent and utilities for the rest of the semester. I had to find a little humility and bring myself to call upon someone I knew could help me out, and it took a lot out of me to admit my situation and ask for that help. 

It's still going to be a bumpy ride to the end of the semester, but I'll make it. I always do.

Until next time,

Laura xx

September

Today is technically the first day of fall, but it sure does not feel like fall out here in Ohio. We are still having daily highs into the 80s, and as of right now, the predicted high for October 1st is 91 degrees. You would think that after two years of being out here, my body would had adjusted to a longer summer, but alas- it has not! I'd be lying if I didn't say that I am wishing for cooler weather as the trees begin to change and the leaves begin to fall. Anyways, I cannot believe that we are already almost to October- I rarely think about my birthday month until it's upon me.

September has been a trip. I'm going to admit that it's been a bit of a mess, it just seems like I cannot get out from underneath the waves of life right now. I am learning day after day how difficult adulthood can be. I want to give a shout-out to my parents though, because honestly this past month would not have been survivable without both their emotional and financial support. I always wanted to be an adult, and have a place of my own where I could entertain and have space for my friends to come to and feel at home. It was so great in my mind and while it is still great in reality- there are so many things attached to it. I now have bills I am responsible for and while I've always looked being "domestic"...I am realizing why people have a hard time keeping up their homes when they have jobs and other responsibilities. Despite that, though, I love having this house. I get to bake things for people when I want, cook meals for friends, and have movie nights.

(Here's a picture of my living space. It's drab still, but it's coming together!)

Classes are going well so far- I am taking my lightest load yet with only 17 credit hours. I am taking my extra time to either embrace it being my last year here, or working. I still am working for the Center of Political Studies (H&G Department), but in a lesser capacity than I was this summer, as it is the school year now. I am so beyond thankful for the friendship, guidance, and support from those above me in the department, it's such a blessing to have professors who are willing to work with me and help me towards my goal of being a professor. I feel like I spend my life in our building, but it's been an extra home to me. I also have officially joined Dayton Avenue Baptist as a member, so I am so happy about that. I've found a family there as well. I find it so amazing that the Lord keeps providing me with support when I need it the most.

Coming up, I take the GRE (graduate record examination) on Saturday, which I have to admit I am quite nervous about. This whole "getting into grad school" is kind of wigging me out at the current moment. I am in major debt from my time at Cedarville, so I will really need to get an assistantship if at all possible for graduate school. Right now the school I am looking at the most is the University of Cincinnati- it's a good program where I could possibly just continue on to my PhD there if I am successful in my Master's program, and it's close to home. We'll see what happens, though.

I would really love if if I could have prayer over the next couple months as I complete my application process for grad school- and that I would rest in whatever the Lord does, and for my finances. If you want more details on my current financial situation and the details surrounding it, you can contact me directly, but I'm not super comfortable with throwing it out there on the internet.

So there's your September update! As things keep happening this semester, I will keep you all informed!

Laura xx

An Update

I am officially a senior at Cedarville University.

Let that soak in for a moment.

For those of you who have been with me through this entire journey, I am sure that many of you are amazed along with me that I have reached this point.

That being said, it's about time to give you all an update on life.

My summer was a paradox, it had so many great moments, but there were some very low moments as well. Peaks and valleys, as we would say in "Christianese." It was such a blessing to spend my summer here in Cedarville, but there were a lot of difficult personal decisions that I had to be making during that time, and many of the decisions I made were not wise. You live and you learn, but still it is difficult.

(So glad that I got to see Papa for a little bit.)

I was able to do some traveling, and though it ended up coming to bite me in the rear, I am still glad that I was able to go home, and then spend some time in two of my favorite cities. 

(I had perfect weather during both of my stopovers in Washington. About 80 and sunny, both times!)

Life has been a bit wild these past couple of weeks as my list of probably unwise decisions continues to pile up. As many of you know, I am living off-campus this year in a house. I truly do love having my own space, but it has come with a bit too much craziness for my liking. They do not teach you in school how difficult it is preparing finances for your first place. It makes even more difficult being out here on my own and without my parents here to ease the stress. I am so thankful to all the families that have decided to make me a little part of their family, though, because I would not have been surviving these transitions without them. 

This fall will be a trip, that's for sure. I am not overloaded with classes for once, I am only taking seventeen credits, but there's just a lot of other stuff going on. Hopefully there will be a few graduate school visits mixed in with my GRE exam and a trip or two to D.C. I am also hoping to get a bit more involved in my church and on campus during my final year here. We'll see. 

My heart hurts that it's my final year here. I'm going to try and soak up all the wisdom I can from my favorite men on campus and try to grow in this greenhouse as much as possible before I have to go back to the real world. 

Pray that I grow this year. There are some things that are going to be difficult things that I know will probably arise. 

Hopefully I'll be back to regular posting soon.

Laura xx

Nana- Six Months On

Grief is an odd thing. I don't think it ever quite ends, or I don't think it will in the case of Nana.
I know that I didn't properly grieve, it's hard to when consumed by schoolwork. That clicked during my final counseling session for the school year, when the dam of tears actually burst. My counselor was happy that the vulnerability had finally come, but I had suffered greatly between that Friday morning in May and the five months that had passed since my grandmother's death.

I did feel it. I still feel it. I felt it in the three months where I couldn't fall asleep at night without crying because my last memories of her played in my mind, and I couldn't rationalize the fact that in two weeks she went from not being able to finish a game of Rummy with me, to being with the Lord. I feel it when I replay a voicemail she left me on my phone last summer, it was just a simple message...she needed me to help her with something up in the trailer at Living Waters. I feel it when on the phone with my Papa, as I hear and feel his pain. I'm feeling it right now as I struggle with the fact that I won't be home this weekend for her burial. I feel like I am betraying her. My best friend and beloved grandmother, and I can't even come home for her burial?

 Oh, how I wish it was not so complex.

Life goes on, but the pain is still raw. The only photo I brought out to school with me this past year was one of Papa and Nana taken at Disney in 2016, in honor of their 60th anniversary. It means I get to "see" her every day, even if I don't get to physically see her again until glory. I know she's still with me in a figurative sense. I wear a ring of hers most days, one that her fingers could no longer hold after they became thin and bony, it makes me feel like she is there. Whenever I buy an iced coffee, a regular occurrence as all of you know, I can hear her voice in the back of my mind sassing me with: "What are you doing?! You don't need that! You have a Keurig at home!"

But I've reached the point where I no longer attempt to call the house phone in the afternoon, knowing that Nana is not eagerly awaiting my daily call. I no longer daily check my mailbox, knowing that my weekly letter from Papa doesn't come until Friday. When referring to the house, I only slip occasionally in no longer calling it Nana and Papa's. I'm improving. The real test will be when I come home at Christmas, but I try not to think about that. I didn't think I could last six months without her, but here I am, still here.

I am trying to focus on the fact that her pain ended six short months ago, while I sat watching football at the Mach's. In that moment my life may have changed forever negatively, but she went on to a life so much better than I could ever imagine. So I am comforted in that.

"Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints." Psalm 116:15

Until we meet again, Nan.