Reflections From a Month In

Well, as of Monday I have been here a month, and as of today, five weeks. 

I know my journey thus far has been somewhat of a disappointment...trust me, I feel the same way too. I have never really been one who has ever been able to take change lightly, and many people can attest that I'm not exactly good at adjustment to anything either. I so admire people who can, but unfortunately that is something I definitely lack.

I certainly do I wish I liked Cedarville better, because I know that especially is a disappointment to my family, and I guess in a way I am disappointed with myself for that too. There are obviously some good things about this school, first and foremost that it is a Christian school. It's nice to have a chapel daily, and finally be surrounded by people who at least share the identity of being children of God. Strangely enough though, I miss being able to use my life as a witness to the unsaved kids around me. I guess I just always knew I had a purpose, doing that. 

To the surprise of many people I am sure, I have actually been making an effort to be social since I got here. I was blessed with a very nice (and patient with me) roommate, and the girls in our lower front hall are really kind. I have not made any super special bonds...but I'm a little reluctant to letting people. It is certainly difficult to get used to being on a campus that has a bigger population in two or three square miles than Fort Fairfield does in seventy-eight square miles. That is one thing that I really do not enjoy, I have social anxiety, and honestly in the cafeteria and chapel I get a little claustrophobic and start to panic most days. It's embarrassing, and something I've been praying over, so I hope eventually it begins to...ease up a little.

My classes are decent, though with the struggle of dealing with syllabi, I have not exactly been the outstanding student like I was in high school. It also is a struggle because I thrive in smaller classroom environments, so not being able to get to know my professors and their styles because I'm in classes of 20 or more (one of my classes has 87), is hard on me. It feels like I am going through my classes blind most days because of that. I'm really trying to improve though so I don't completely lose my ethic. 

I am struggling to get into a local church for Sundays, which is something I'd really like to do. It's not like there are really any churches like Perham out here, which makes me really sad. However, I am getting my fill of hymns every Wednesday when I go to the nursing home and sing with the residents. That ministry, by the way, is going very well. It's sad in a sense, but it's a joy at the same time. I love older people, and I am so glad I can serve them at least in this way.

As for homesickness? Yeah, still there...I don't think that will ever go away completely. I'm a homebody, and boy do I not only miss my real family, but I miss my church family, and my camp family, and just...The County and Maine in general. Thankfully though, I have learned to save my crying for my alone time, and not to burden my family with it when I call or FaceTime them, or my roommate if she is around. The pain doesn't really ease up, but I have learned I can ignore it by occupying myself with something. So I'll continue to do that until well, until I can come home.

Keep praying for me, if you would. I am trying to live in the present, but finding it hard not to idolize coming home for Christmas break. 

Love,

Laura xx

What I Would Tell My Freshman Self

This picture was taken my first day of high school.

As you can see, I was wearing a shirt that said "You Need Jesus Bro, I'm Just Sayin'" and I was going through my "no makeup other than 'Great Lash'"phase. My first day I wrote in my journal how disgusted I was already with the sight and sounds of the high school, and that I really needed to be a light to them. I love this Laura so much looking back, and I decided to write a letter to her, encouraging her and telling her of some of the great things she would do.

Dear fourteen-year-old Laura,

Girl, I love you. In fact, my current self wishes I could be just like you. You are so ON FIRE for the Lord, and you HAVE to keep it going. You write Bible verses on sticky notes and leave them in the girl's bathrooms at school, you place little gospel books on the sinks and counters in there too, you are so courageous! You wear t-shirts that proclaim the gospel and try to love your worst enemies, keep it up!! There is going to come a time where it seems like you are the only Christian left in your school because the others have moved and some others are slipping away, but God is with you. God set you apart, you cannot just disappear back into the crowd.

A lot of the times the kids in your class are going to treat you like garbage, and constantly make fun of you. Don't give into the temptation of cussing them out or being snarky to them back. Be patient, show them love in return. Yes, you'll get some laughs if you give in and freak out at them, but there will be a constant pain in your heart as well. You won't feel like yourself anymore.

But don't get too arrogant either. Yes, you are a holy child of God, but that does not mean you are much better than any of the kids in Fort Fairfield. You are going to do something amazing things in high school and be involved in doing so many great things, you're even going to reach your goals of being the NHS chapter President and be your class Valedictorian! ...but don't let it get to your head. Yes, you're privileged, and even somewhat spoiled...do not let that harden your heart. You never promised anyone that you wouldn't come back to Aroostook County or Fort Fairfield, no matter how much you thought you hated it, because you felt God wanted you to do great things in the County. Out of all places, you knew Fort Fairfield needed it the most. Don't let lies that you're somehow magically greater than Aroostook County spoil your four years in high school, because you will let so many cool opportunities to share Jesus and His message slip away. (PS don't bash the school either, it's of no help to you or others.)

Don't be lazy about going to church or youth group either, because they are all the Christian support you will have during the school year besides your immediate family. Yes, I know you are anti-social, and maybe some nights you don't feel like going to church, and in the winter you're afraid to go out on the icy roads, but it isn't about you. The church body has known you since you were a baby, and they love you and pray for you, and want to see you. Plus those girls at church are some of the best around, you can't just skip out on parties or opportunities with them, because you're missing out on deeper, Christ-centered relationships you could have had. 

And finally, invest time in your family. Yes, you proclaim until you're blue in the face how much of a homebody you are... but do you actually invest in your family? Not really. You're a little snarky and sassy 24/7 with everyone. Put down your devices and talk. Take time to watch the nightly news, Wheel of Fortune, and Jeopardy with Mom and Dad, it will be some of the most fun you have. Don't wait until the summer before you go to college to start playing card games at Nana and Papa's and getting involved in the chatter and fun that comes along with it. God blessed you with an amazing, Godly family. Get to know them, love on them. You'll never get those moments back. 

I'll leave you with the most important thing, love God. In any mood, at any time. 

Love,

Future Laura (who still has many more things to learn herself) <3

Lessons I've Learned, Reminders I've Had.

I've been out here at Cedarville University for twenty-two days. 

As most of you know, I spent the first ten days or so out here trying to get back home, obviously to no avail. I'd wanted to come out, and if the campus did not feel right, I'd been assuming that if I begged hard enough, my parents would let me come home with them. That brings me to my first lesson...

1) Always Be Honest With Family
About mid-July I had decided that I really did not think I should go out to Cedarville. The excessive money (due to scholarships I'd expected to get at graduation that I did not...), distance, amount of kids at the school...I just wasn't feeling it anymore. But I had been so determined to get out of the county...I mean, I was the Valedictorian of my class, I deserved better, right? What would my parents and grandparents think if I changed my mind? Would I be a failure? I expressed my concerns to some people I trusted who were outside of my family...but was so pent up with fear of telling my family that I just went along with it all, trying to put on a brave face. (Except if you were around me at all this summer at Living Waters, you know I was not very successful at putting on a brave face.) So when I got here and was downright miserable and my parents did not understand why I was so unhappy....explaining everything at that point was just a burden to everyone, and certainly was not a help. So let's just say I've been brutally honest with everyone since.

2) God Lets Us Make Mistakes, but He Uses It For His Glory
I do believe it was a mistake coming out here, for a variety of reasons. After graduation, I knew it was not feasible financially-wise, my motivations were wrong (I thought I'd be "cool" if I went out here, I wanted to show people that I was better than the county...), and I did not want to listen to the advice of my family who thought it might be wiser to stay closer to home for a bit, because I love to be difficult and rebellious. But most of all? I was not feeling led there anymore, but I didn't want to see where God was going to lead me. Huge, huge, HUGE mistakes. But since I cannot go home, I believe somehow, someway he is using this semester for His glory. He IS teaching me all these lessons, and I know he wants me to learn from Him and lean on Him though these next three months. So though I cannot see the beauty quite yet, I know it is just beyond the horizon.

3) Escaping is Never the Correct Option, and I'm Never Too Good For the County
I'm basically a professional escapist. You name it, I'll try and escape from it. I've never been exceptionally well at dealing with anything, and I am never one to be content unless everything is just peachy keen. (My mother could testify this until she was blue in the face.) Towards the end of middle school, and when I started high school, I began to have a huge burden for the county. This was the time where I was most close to the Lord, but it kind of went downhill from there. During my following years of high school, I was riding high on the satisfaction of my grades and valedictorian status, making myself believe that I was too good for The County. I basically looked down on everyone and felt them inferior to me. I became so determined that I needed to escape the County, and once I did that everything was going to be magical.

...yeah right.

Since being out here, I've felt tremendous guilt about this, and realized how much I could have touched the County my final years of high school. I know I cannot do anything about it now, but I'm so glad I have been able to be humbled here. Being removed from the County has made me remember that I'm really nothing special, other than being a child of God. And that "escaping" the County was a dumb decision. It has its problems, but everywhere has its problems, and I should have listened to my parents about that. I have gained such an appreciation for everything, but I'll expound about that next....

4) Appreciate What You Have While You Have It

I thought I appreciated my family, my church, Living Waters, and everything I had materially. After everything that went on that first weekend, I quickly realized I obviously did not. God really revealed how selfish I had been, and that I was not grateful for who and what He had given me. They say you never know a good thing until it's gone...and I can certainly attest to that now. I've always wanted more and more and new things and new people and new environments...but all I long for now is the old. This has certainly been one of the toughest lessons for me, as I would give almost anything to be around the people and things I love and have loved.

And finally? (For now...)

5) Dreams Are Foolish

Now, don't get me wrong on this, I still have dreams and dream a lot (I'm a writer, isn't dreaming a prerequisite to writing??), but it's all fairly foolish. God has been taking a lot of my so-called "dreams" and showing me that they are dust. I grew up on Disney, and a lot of my favorite songs have to do with dreaming...and wishing...but God knows me (and you) way better than we even know ourselves. One of my "dreams" was to come out here...and see how well that has turned out, hahah. Another one of my "dreams" was to have already found my future husband by now and to be in a committed relationship....but God has turned that "dream" into wanting more of Him. I got out here, and seriously within a week I had no desire to be in a relationship with anyone, He had wiped that slate clean...and that slate had not been clean in a looooooong while. He has shown me that He does not want me to settle, which I was literally 100% ready to do, but to wait on Him, and so I'm going to try to. It was such a weird thing, but it really made me realize that my dreams are so small, so...so foolish in a way. 

Anyways, I probably have some homework I should be doing, but I wanted to give you all an update on some of the things that have been happening in my heart since I arrived here. 

Laura xx