Lessons from The Good Shepherd at Good Shepherd

I wasn't going to attend the involvement fair. I was in a terrible mood that afternoon, and had spent most of it crying. And to top it all off, Lynn was calling me. Now, don't get me wrong, Lynn LaBelle is one of my all-time favorite people, but I knew why she was calling: I was going to get a sassing. (To be honest, I deserved it and needed it.)

Sure enough, after being told that I needed to stop wallowing and go do something, I went to the involvement fair. I was beyond overwhelmed by the amount of people lining the streets, but I already knew what I wanted to look for- elderly ministries. I have a great reverence for older people, and I have a fascination with getting to know the nooks and crannies of people, and older people have such history that I love to listen to what they have seen and lived.

I actually chose the table that was the least fancy, which maybe will surprise most of you. I didn't want to be a part of something too big though, I wanted to be on a team with a few people that I could get to know very well, and so I took the info from the girl, Stephanie, who turned out to be the group leader!

I did pray about the decision to join, but the Lord made it very clear that he wanted me involved in this ministry.

The ministry itself was going to the Good Shepherd Nursing Home in Springfield, Ohio (only about 20 minutes from campus) from 6-8 every Wednesday night, where we would sing hymns and pray with the residents that wanted to join us. (Eventually we also formed a group that would go around room-to-room ministering to those who either could not leave their rooms, or maybe did not want to.)

The first night I went, I was very nervous, looking back I'm not sure why I was...but I was! It was uncomfortable the first few moments we were there, as obviously I had no clue who these people were (most of the others did because this was their second year), and of course...nursing homes unfortunately do not have the best sights and smells. But, it did not take long before I really felt the Lord pressing on my heart, and I cried so much the first night because I truly feel hymns to the core...and just singing them in the state I was in made me quite emotional.

The second week particularly stands out because I met an older lady named Sue. She reminded me a lot of my Nana, she is a Christian, and she told us the story of her and her "yankee" husband. She was so sweet to us, and instead of us praying for her, she asked if she could pray for us, and we held hands as we prayed...and I could just feel the tears streaming down my cheeks (I'm a crier, if you couldn't tell.) It turns out that she has some sort of memory issue, and she does not remember us on a weekly basis...but I always have fun re-introducing myself to her and watching her face light up as she talks about her husband.

The Lord has humbled me greatly in this ministry, and opened up my heart and hands for more compassion for people than I have ever felt in my life. It blows my mind every day, because I tend to be such a hard-hearted person, but wow! Only by His grace! It is so hard to see these men and women being the shell of who they once were, and to know that many of them do not have friends or family who would come and visit them...or simply that they don't visit them. It just breaks my heart, and I wish I could spend more than the mere two hours once a week with them.

I'm not sure I ever could have seen myself spending Wednesday nights being a one-on-one to an older lady who is not very verbal and has memory issues, simply holding her hand and stroking her cheek while we sing. (I know she's singing...she sings the melody lines with unintelligible words, but I know she's still praising!!) But God has been so kind, and so gentle to me...that His love has brought so much love into my heart. He has given me patience, and compassion...and I cannot even begin to express my thankfulness. Nothing is sweeter than singing "Great is Thy Faithfulness" with a generation that knows his faithfulness much more than I will know until I reach that same age. Because great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me. I hope I keep that in mind, and I cannot wait to continue on with the ministry next semester!

A Season of Abundant Thankfulness

There are many reasons why I love the month of November,  including the fact that in my head it's already Christmas season. I'd be amiss, however, to completely skip over Thanksgiving. I know we are called over and over again to be in a state of constant thankfulness, but I have a feeling that I'm not the only one who kind of forgets about it, only to have it be the focus of mostly just November. (I do acknowledge that this is a terrible thing indeed, though!)

Thanksgiving has taken on a new meaning this fall. These past three months have just been...in a strange way, a blessing. I came here with a cold, hostile heart, wondering why God was keeping me at Cedarville, let alone on the earth. July-September was a very dark time for me, darker than it had been for years. But God,

 ...isn't it always that simple, two-word phrase, "but God?" 

But God kept prodding at the lock on my heart, reminding me that I was still that His sensitive little girl, just needing His love and His strength to carry on. And He broke it, though I did not realize it at that exact moment. Once I gave it up, only then did he reveal those He was placing in my life that He knew I could love on, because even though I'm crusty on the outside, He somehow gives me more and more love every day that makes me want to invest in people. And I'm so unbelievably thankful for that. 

He removed me from the County so I could realize what He'd given me the past eighteen years of my life, and I pray I will forever live with this newfound thankfulness for those of you I left behind. I have been supported in ways I never thought possible, card after card, package after package...the love overflows and I know it is only because of Him. 

The people He has placed in my life here. I'm very intentional about my relationships with others and I like to get to the core of people, and I know that many people are not looking for a friend like that, so I'm thankful for those who have let me in, even if just a little. I only have one person who really has got to know me and my story (love you, Abby!) and vice-versa, but I know there are others out there, so I'm not losing hope. And I'm so blessed to have a group that has taken a chance on me, that I now am able to spend time with on a regular basis, because even though I know I'm not the most interesting character of the bunch, that they still value me. God is faithful. I'm thankful, as well, to have a church that I hopefully will be going to go to on a regular basis, and it's just that small church atmosphere God knows I needed to thrive and miss terribly back home. 

Yes, I'm still mighty vulnerable (thankful for all of you who bear with me!!), and while not every day is sunshine and roses... praise God I'll never be the same. And I could not be more thankful. 

Laura xx 

Finding My Own

Yesterday I rolled out of bed at 5:30AM. 

To some of you that seems like too early, but many of you know that normally 5:00AM has been my waking time since eighth grade.

I've lost a lot of motivation since I got here (if that has not been obvious...), but it is a little victory that I got up that early, and I was excited to do it. I used to crave my early mornings where I spent an hour sipping on coffee and diving into my devotions, but since now I am usually up until 10:30 (9:00 was my normal bedtime...that's impossible here), I normally am not up until 6. 

Obviously part of the reason I have lost my motivation is because of everything that has changed. I was always excited to get up and go to school because I knew that I was the star of the academics, and the music program, and student government. Because I was President of NHS and Valedictorian of my class, I knew I had to represent myself well. Things are different here, because I'm just one out of almost 4,000 students. When I got here, I felt like I had lost myself, and lost my value. 

It's been a struggle to say the least. When it comes to social interactions, you guys know that I am a little tough to get to at first. I'll 100% vouch that I am an intense person, and so to overcompensate for that, when I meet new people, even if they interest me I try not to let them know that. So...probably a lot of kids here on campus have a very wrong first impression of me, and think I'm a cold person.  The people that know me very well know that actually I'm a very sparkly and loving person who loves to dish out sarcasm but tends to be a bit too naive to understand it when it is dished back, enjoy making off-color jokes (especially about politicians...), and tends to be a little too passionate about politics and history. All that summed up plus the fact that I have the most annoying real laugh in the world (you'll know if you've heard it...), and also that I have a great history of being rejected by people and I'm terrified of being rejected constantly again...I haven't quite found "my people" yet. 

However, all of this is to say that I am finding my own, though I'm a bit slow to it. Thank God for my roomie and some of the other girls in my part of the dorm. None of them have been exposed to the "singing Disney and broadway songs in obnoxious voices at the top of my lungs" or "spontaneous dance party to 70s and 80s hits"or "spending two hours talking only about how much I love George W. Bush" part of me, though...one of them has experienced me quoting "The Princess Bride" along with the movie (sorry Abby!!). I'm beginning to trust them, and for some of them at least I know they enjoy me...even with all my quirks. I've even found a friend who enjoys politics as much as I do! (It was dangerous, I basically pounced on him, the poor guy.)

I've also got a small job taking notes for students who have some disabilities, my nursing home ministry, and now I'm getting involved in some politics (Lord help those working with me...). Even though I do wish I'd joined the choir and the pep band here, it's a start. With those, I'm beginning to thrive a little, hence why I was able to get up at 5:30AM yesterday. I'm beginning to start to want to actually invest in my academics, and invest in people (a group of guys and girls actually let me sit with them at meals when I see them...an actual miracle), and just...invest, period.  Even occasionally I've been wondering, "Well...what if I were to stay?", which I know will astound all of you.

Anyways, enough rambling for an afternoon, but I thought I'd give you all an update.

Laura xx

Reflections From a Month In

Well, as of Monday I have been here a month, and as of today, five weeks. 

I know my journey thus far has been somewhat of a disappointment...trust me, I feel the same way too. I have never really been one who has ever been able to take change lightly, and many people can attest that I'm not exactly good at adjustment to anything either. I so admire people who can, but unfortunately that is something I definitely lack.

I certainly do I wish I liked Cedarville better, because I know that especially is a disappointment to my family, and I guess in a way I am disappointed with myself for that too. There are obviously some good things about this school, first and foremost that it is a Christian school. It's nice to have a chapel daily, and finally be surrounded by people who at least share the identity of being children of God. Strangely enough though, I miss being able to use my life as a witness to the unsaved kids around me. I guess I just always knew I had a purpose, doing that. 

To the surprise of many people I am sure, I have actually been making an effort to be social since I got here. I was blessed with a very nice (and patient with me) roommate, and the girls in our lower front hall are really kind. I have not made any super special bonds...but I'm a little reluctant to letting people. It is certainly difficult to get used to being on a campus that has a bigger population in two or three square miles than Fort Fairfield does in seventy-eight square miles. That is one thing that I really do not enjoy, I have social anxiety, and honestly in the cafeteria and chapel I get a little claustrophobic and start to panic most days. It's embarrassing, and something I've been praying over, so I hope eventually it begins to...ease up a little.

My classes are decent, though with the struggle of dealing with syllabi, I have not exactly been the outstanding student like I was in high school. It also is a struggle because I thrive in smaller classroom environments, so not being able to get to know my professors and their styles because I'm in classes of 20 or more (one of my classes has 87), is hard on me. It feels like I am going through my classes blind most days because of that. I'm really trying to improve though so I don't completely lose my ethic. 

I am struggling to get into a local church for Sundays, which is something I'd really like to do. It's not like there are really any churches like Perham out here, which makes me really sad. However, I am getting my fill of hymns every Wednesday when I go to the nursing home and sing with the residents. That ministry, by the way, is going very well. It's sad in a sense, but it's a joy at the same time. I love older people, and I am so glad I can serve them at least in this way.

As for homesickness? Yeah, still there...I don't think that will ever go away completely. I'm a homebody, and boy do I not only miss my real family, but I miss my church family, and my camp family, and just...The County and Maine in general. Thankfully though, I have learned to save my crying for my alone time, and not to burden my family with it when I call or FaceTime them, or my roommate if she is around. The pain doesn't really ease up, but I have learned I can ignore it by occupying myself with something. So I'll continue to do that until well, until I can come home.

Keep praying for me, if you would. I am trying to live in the present, but finding it hard not to idolize coming home for Christmas break. 

Love,

Laura xx

What I Would Tell My Freshman Self

This picture was taken my first day of high school.

As you can see, I was wearing a shirt that said "You Need Jesus Bro, I'm Just Sayin'" and I was going through my "no makeup other than 'Great Lash'"phase. My first day I wrote in my journal how disgusted I was already with the sight and sounds of the high school, and that I really needed to be a light to them. I love this Laura so much looking back, and I decided to write a letter to her, encouraging her and telling her of some of the great things she would do.

Dear fourteen-year-old Laura,

Girl, I love you. In fact, my current self wishes I could be just like you. You are so ON FIRE for the Lord, and you HAVE to keep it going. You write Bible verses on sticky notes and leave them in the girl's bathrooms at school, you place little gospel books on the sinks and counters in there too, you are so courageous! You wear t-shirts that proclaim the gospel and try to love your worst enemies, keep it up!! There is going to come a time where it seems like you are the only Christian left in your school because the others have moved and some others are slipping away, but God is with you. God set you apart, you cannot just disappear back into the crowd.

A lot of the times the kids in your class are going to treat you like garbage, and constantly make fun of you. Don't give into the temptation of cussing them out or being snarky to them back. Be patient, show them love in return. Yes, you'll get some laughs if you give in and freak out at them, but there will be a constant pain in your heart as well. You won't feel like yourself anymore.

But don't get too arrogant either. Yes, you are a holy child of God, but that does not mean you are much better than any of the kids in Fort Fairfield. You are going to do something amazing things in high school and be involved in doing so many great things, you're even going to reach your goals of being the NHS chapter President and be your class Valedictorian! ...but don't let it get to your head. Yes, you're privileged, and even somewhat spoiled...do not let that harden your heart. You never promised anyone that you wouldn't come back to Aroostook County or Fort Fairfield, no matter how much you thought you hated it, because you felt God wanted you to do great things in the County. Out of all places, you knew Fort Fairfield needed it the most. Don't let lies that you're somehow magically greater than Aroostook County spoil your four years in high school, because you will let so many cool opportunities to share Jesus and His message slip away. (PS don't bash the school either, it's of no help to you or others.)

Don't be lazy about going to church or youth group either, because they are all the Christian support you will have during the school year besides your immediate family. Yes, I know you are anti-social, and maybe some nights you don't feel like going to church, and in the winter you're afraid to go out on the icy roads, but it isn't about you. The church body has known you since you were a baby, and they love you and pray for you, and want to see you. Plus those girls at church are some of the best around, you can't just skip out on parties or opportunities with them, because you're missing out on deeper, Christ-centered relationships you could have had. 

And finally, invest time in your family. Yes, you proclaim until you're blue in the face how much of a homebody you are... but do you actually invest in your family? Not really. You're a little snarky and sassy 24/7 with everyone. Put down your devices and talk. Take time to watch the nightly news, Wheel of Fortune, and Jeopardy with Mom and Dad, it will be some of the most fun you have. Don't wait until the summer before you go to college to start playing card games at Nana and Papa's and getting involved in the chatter and fun that comes along with it. God blessed you with an amazing, Godly family. Get to know them, love on them. You'll never get those moments back. 

I'll leave you with the most important thing, love God. In any mood, at any time. 

Love,

Future Laura (who still has many more things to learn herself) <3

Lessons I've Learned, Reminders I've Had.

I've been out here at Cedarville University for twenty-two days. 

As most of you know, I spent the first ten days or so out here trying to get back home, obviously to no avail. I'd wanted to come out, and if the campus did not feel right, I'd been assuming that if I begged hard enough, my parents would let me come home with them. That brings me to my first lesson...

1) Always Be Honest With Family
About mid-July I had decided that I really did not think I should go out to Cedarville. The excessive money (due to scholarships I'd expected to get at graduation that I did not...), distance, amount of kids at the school...I just wasn't feeling it anymore. But I had been so determined to get out of the county...I mean, I was the Valedictorian of my class, I deserved better, right? What would my parents and grandparents think if I changed my mind? Would I be a failure? I expressed my concerns to some people I trusted who were outside of my family...but was so pent up with fear of telling my family that I just went along with it all, trying to put on a brave face. (Except if you were around me at all this summer at Living Waters, you know I was not very successful at putting on a brave face.) So when I got here and was downright miserable and my parents did not understand why I was so unhappy....explaining everything at that point was just a burden to everyone, and certainly was not a help. So let's just say I've been brutally honest with everyone since.

2) God Lets Us Make Mistakes, but He Uses It For His Glory
I do believe it was a mistake coming out here, for a variety of reasons. After graduation, I knew it was not feasible financially-wise, my motivations were wrong (I thought I'd be "cool" if I went out here, I wanted to show people that I was better than the county...), and I did not want to listen to the advice of my family who thought it might be wiser to stay closer to home for a bit, because I love to be difficult and rebellious. But most of all? I was not feeling led there anymore, but I didn't want to see where God was going to lead me. Huge, huge, HUGE mistakes. But since I cannot go home, I believe somehow, someway he is using this semester for His glory. He IS teaching me all these lessons, and I know he wants me to learn from Him and lean on Him though these next three months. So though I cannot see the beauty quite yet, I know it is just beyond the horizon.

3) Escaping is Never the Correct Option, and I'm Never Too Good For the County
I'm basically a professional escapist. You name it, I'll try and escape from it. I've never been exceptionally well at dealing with anything, and I am never one to be content unless everything is just peachy keen. (My mother could testify this until she was blue in the face.) Towards the end of middle school, and when I started high school, I began to have a huge burden for the county. This was the time where I was most close to the Lord, but it kind of went downhill from there. During my following years of high school, I was riding high on the satisfaction of my grades and valedictorian status, making myself believe that I was too good for The County. I basically looked down on everyone and felt them inferior to me. I became so determined that I needed to escape the County, and once I did that everything was going to be magical.

...yeah right.

Since being out here, I've felt tremendous guilt about this, and realized how much I could have touched the County my final years of high school. I know I cannot do anything about it now, but I'm so glad I have been able to be humbled here. Being removed from the County has made me remember that I'm really nothing special, other than being a child of God. And that "escaping" the County was a dumb decision. It has its problems, but everywhere has its problems, and I should have listened to my parents about that. I have gained such an appreciation for everything, but I'll expound about that next....

4) Appreciate What You Have While You Have It

I thought I appreciated my family, my church, Living Waters, and everything I had materially. After everything that went on that first weekend, I quickly realized I obviously did not. God really revealed how selfish I had been, and that I was not grateful for who and what He had given me. They say you never know a good thing until it's gone...and I can certainly attest to that now. I've always wanted more and more and new things and new people and new environments...but all I long for now is the old. This has certainly been one of the toughest lessons for me, as I would give almost anything to be around the people and things I love and have loved.

And finally? (For now...)

5) Dreams Are Foolish

Now, don't get me wrong on this, I still have dreams and dream a lot (I'm a writer, isn't dreaming a prerequisite to writing??), but it's all fairly foolish. God has been taking a lot of my so-called "dreams" and showing me that they are dust. I grew up on Disney, and a lot of my favorite songs have to do with dreaming...and wishing...but God knows me (and you) way better than we even know ourselves. One of my "dreams" was to come out here...and see how well that has turned out, hahah. Another one of my "dreams" was to have already found my future husband by now and to be in a committed relationship....but God has turned that "dream" into wanting more of Him. I got out here, and seriously within a week I had no desire to be in a relationship with anyone, He had wiped that slate clean...and that slate had not been clean in a looooooong while. He has shown me that He does not want me to settle, which I was literally 100% ready to do, but to wait on Him, and so I'm going to try to. It was such a weird thing, but it really made me realize that my dreams are so small, so...so foolish in a way. 

Anyways, I probably have some homework I should be doing, but I wanted to give you all an update on some of the things that have been happening in my heart since I arrived here. 

Laura xx