Yesterday I rolled out of bed at 5:30AM.
To some of you that seems like too early, but many of you know that normally 5:00AM has been my waking time since eighth grade.
I've lost a lot of motivation since I got here (if that has not been obvious...), but it is a little victory that I got up that early, and I was excited to do it. I used to crave my early mornings where I spent an hour sipping on coffee and diving into my devotions, but since now I am usually up until 10:30 (9:00 was my normal bedtime...that's impossible here), I normally am not up until 6.
Obviously part of the reason I have lost my motivation is because of everything that has changed. I was always excited to get up and go to school because I knew that I was the star of the academics, and the music program, and student government. Because I was President of NHS and Valedictorian of my class, I knew I had to represent myself well. Things are different here, because I'm just one out of almost 4,000 students. When I got here, I felt like I had lost myself, and lost my value.
It's been a struggle to say the least. When it comes to social interactions, you guys know that I am a little tough to get to at first. I'll 100% vouch that I am an intense person, and so to overcompensate for that, when I meet new people, even if they interest me I try not to let them know that. So...probably a lot of kids here on campus have a very wrong first impression of me, and think I'm a cold person. The people that know me very well know that actually I'm a very sparkly and loving person who loves to dish out sarcasm but tends to be a bit too naive to understand it when it is dished back, enjoy making off-color jokes (especially about politicians...), and tends to be a little too passionate about politics and history. All that summed up plus the fact that I have the most annoying real laugh in the world (you'll know if you've heard it...), and also that I have a great history of being rejected by people and I'm terrified of being rejected constantly again...I haven't quite found "my people" yet.
However, all of this is to say that I am finding my own, though I'm a bit slow to it. Thank God for my roomie and some of the other girls in my part of the dorm. None of them have been exposed to the "singing Disney and broadway songs in obnoxious voices at the top of my lungs" or "spontaneous dance party to 70s and 80s hits"or "spending two hours talking only about how much I love George W. Bush" part of me, though...one of them has experienced me quoting "The Princess Bride" along with the movie (sorry Abby!!). I'm beginning to trust them, and for some of them at least I know they enjoy me...even with all my quirks. I've even found a friend who enjoys politics as much as I do! (It was dangerous, I basically pounced on him, the poor guy.)
I've also got a small job taking notes for students who have some disabilities, my nursing home ministry, and now I'm getting involved in some politics (Lord help those working with me...). Even though I do wish I'd joined the choir and the pep band here, it's a start. With those, I'm beginning to thrive a little, hence why I was able to get up at 5:30AM yesterday. I'm beginning to start to want to actually invest in my academics, and invest in people (a group of guys and girls actually let me sit with them at meals when I see them...an actual miracle), and just...invest, period. Even occasionally I've been wondering, "Well...what if I were to stay?", which I know will astound all of you.
Anyways, enough rambling for an afternoon, but I thought I'd give you all an update.
Laura xx
