Lessons I Have Been Learning

About two weeks ago to this day I realized that I was about to go broke. Like- actually broke. Not a penny to my name. Plus my rent was already past due and my utility bills were quickly approaching. Now, I will admit that I've found myself in difficult spots before where I've had to ask my parents for $20 for groceries, but this was different. My parents have been so gracious to me during this time so I am very thankful- they have provided money for a host of different reasons- but their money was running out as well. Just the mere thought of this sent me into a deep depression which has meant all the typical things- me unable to get out of bed, the only good part of my personality basically being nonexistent, isolating myself- the usual. Most significant and if I'm being honest, the most terrifying part of it all though is that I allowed myself to fall very behind on my schoolwork (I almost say this with a bit of a laugh though, because I have a very dear couple who their first question for me when I'm not doing well is- "How's your schoolwork?" Sorry T&C, it ain't good.)

My 21st birthday quickly approaches, and I have found it difficult not to compare it to where my mother was at this point in her life- freshly graduated from Cedarville, and about to get married to my father with her life much more in order than mine is currently. When I turn 21 I will be in the throes of an uncertain senior year also at Cedarville, with no clue what my next year of life is going to look like, and single as all heck (that part doesn't actually bother me, though.) I'm not where I want to be spiritually, mentally, and even physically, and it feels like the waves of life just keep tossing over me, and I am unable to catch my breath. I get frustrated a lot because I allow myself to think a lot: "Well, if Nana was still alive, x, x, and x wouldn't have happened." Now- I know that in reality if Nana was alive, though some things would have been able to be resolved or prevented more easily, she was not the panacea for my life.

So through this whole mess I have been learning and re-learning some very difficult lessons:

1) I need people.

                           Some of y'all are going to think I am real stupid for putting this as a lesson, because this is really obvious, right? Not so simple for my serotonin-lacking brain. When I am having a depressive episode, I tend to isolate myself rather than surround myself with people, which ends up making things so, SO much worse. Living alone, this escalates things. Even though I tend to get anxiously attached to people, I have had to face the hard truth that I actually need people to steer me in the right direction, to ground me, and to provide encouragement during the difficult times. After a quick coffee chat with my discipleship professor, he even recognized that in me. I thrive the most when I am regularly grabbing coffee and meals and just spending quality time with the people that I cherish the most. This goes hand in hand with my next lesson.

2) Humility is key.

                          I have a strange fear of being arrogant. I literally went into the office of my boss a couple of weeks ago and asked him if he thought I was arrogant or not. But I've realized over the past couple of weeks that I have had a pride of a different kind. In my not bringing myself to get help, to ask for help, to bring myself around people...I've been believing that I can do it all on my own. That I can manage the mess that is my life on my own. I've even skipped counseling twice in a month because I thought I couldn't give up an hour of my precious time to accomplish things to actually let it all out- spoiler alert: big mistake. I've never been able to do it all on my own, and I certainly cannot right now. So I've had to come to a point of accepting my life and myself as I truly am right now, and that many things are beyond my ability and control.

3) I need to look for what the Lord gives me and be grateful, even if it is not necessarily what I want...
                       This has been really difficult for me. I like to pray bold prayers because I know that the Lord answers bold prayers, but many of them have either not been answered, or have been answered in ways that I did not quote-on-quote "want." Whether it be relationships that weren't restored or did not deepen as I wanted them to, wanted opportunities that never came to fruition, difficult situations I was not delivered from...for the most part the Lord has fulfilled those wants) and what I thought I needed) in different ways. Other people were brought into my life, food was provided to me, I somehow ended up with just enough money for groceries, and people surrounded me for support in those situations I could not get out of. I'll admit sometimes I just am so upset that life isn't going how I'd like that I can't even notice what the Lord is providing, or I refuse to not be grateful. I am trying to turn that around.

Anyways- back to the whole "I'm broke" situation- it's now been resolved, thank goodness. Not through methods I would have wanted, but now I do not have to go into any further debt to pay for my rent and utilities for the rest of the semester. I had to find a little humility and bring myself to call upon someone I knew could help me out, and it took a lot out of me to admit my situation and ask for that help. 

It's still going to be a bumpy ride to the end of the semester, but I'll make it. I always do.

Until next time,

Laura xx