Unfortunately, that is not the case.
But, God is faithful nevertheless, even if I cannot understand what He is doing.
I guess I will just begin by getting the elephant out of the room, I will not be returning to Cedarville next year. I know the disappoint it holds for many people, especially my family. This post is not a justification post, I will just leave it at the point where I say that personally the amount of debt I have acquired and would continue to accrue is not worth the benefits of attendance.
With that out of the way, I just wanted to update on my semester because I have been largely silent other than random, vague pleas for prayer.
I came into the semester feeling fairly positive, I'd survived one semester and made friends, etc...I was like "Oh, I've got this." It was a slow start, however. A bit of a backstory. I came off my anti-anxiety and antidepressant days before I came back...so I began feeling things I had not felt in five years. I was sick almost every morning when I got up, having about two panic attacks during the day...I couldn't eat... I couldn't get back into counseling, it just was rough.
In addition, I felt God leading me away from the church I had been attending, but was not sure how I was to move forward, and I was growing exhausted of trying to find my place in the friend group I was in. Basically I was just weary.
I was embarrassed and ashamed that I having such a rough time and did not really want to let people know, just because I knew people were rooting for me and praying for me, and I felt like a failure.
With that out of the way, I just wanted to update on my semester because I have been largely silent other than random, vague pleas for prayer.
I came into the semester feeling fairly positive, I'd survived one semester and made friends, etc...I was like "Oh, I've got this." It was a slow start, however. A bit of a backstory. I came off my anti-anxiety and antidepressant days before I came back...so I began feeling things I had not felt in five years. I was sick almost every morning when I got up, having about two panic attacks during the day...I couldn't eat... I couldn't get back into counseling, it just was rough.
In addition, I felt God leading me away from the church I had been attending, but was not sure how I was to move forward, and I was growing exhausted of trying to find my place in the friend group I was in. Basically I was just weary.
I was embarrassed and ashamed that I having such a rough time and did not really want to let people know, just because I knew people were rooting for me and praying for me, and I felt like a failure.
It did not get much better as the semester went on.
Praise God I was managing, I was still able to attend my classes and chapel, but my school work was becoming mediocre...and I was becoming somewhat of an invalid trying to manage my anxiety...
I was still doing my devotions and praying and trying to be obedient, but I was beginning to wonder what I was doing wrong and wondering what God was doing (I'm still wondering...). I had just expected it to be so much easier because my first semester had been so rough.
I was ignoring it and trying to push forward until just a few weeks ago. I went through an entire week where I was getting an average of 2-3 hours a night. I had tried everything under the sun to get to sleep, but for some reason I would lie there and never fall asleep. I'd check my phone and it'd be 2AM, then 3AM, 4AM, and at its worst 5AM. I understand that for many insomnia is not a big deal, but for me it is huge. I need a good amount of sleep, around nine hours, or else my anxiety and depression, along with some physical problems ramp up. So this really seemed like the end of the world. I began not attending some classes and chapel in hopes I could sleep the day away...but I couldn't even sleep during the day. (and I do not skip classes or chapel, that just increased my anxiety even more) I felt like I was going absolutely mad, and I was an absolute wreck. Finally, I broke down and had chats with my RA and RD because I was breaking down. I tried so hard to get into counseling or talk to someone there, but there was nothing available for me. That Friday afternoon my parents were trying to talk me down from quitting the entire semester and coming home.
But God was merciful, so merciful.
Eventually I was able to get an emergency prescription of my old medication so I was able to sleep a bit more, and I was advised to take a break from the environment...so I extended what was supposed to be my Easter break stay with family in Florida. He worked in amazing ways so that my professors were understanding and I was able to mostly manage assignments while I was away.
I have four weeks, to the day, until my last final. Even though I am back on medication, I am still struggling with many things. It's hard battling mental and physical health at the same time. I have been battling the Financial Aid Office here for weeks because they have mishandling outside scholarships I received, and feeling the repercussions of not being careful taking out loans at the beginning of the year (we did not take out enough, I had to take out another...). It just has been so messy, and it is hard not to have a wrong mindset of what I have done so wrong that God has allowed this semester to be so terrible...but I know that....somewhere he has a plan in all of this. He knows what He is doing, and as much as I wish I could see what good will come out of this, if any...obviously I cannot.
So if I could be kept in prayers and thoughts I would be so appreciative. I wish I had something better to write, that I've been excelling and prospering...so I do apologize for that. And I apologize that I probably have disappointed many of you, but I hope that as I switch colleges and begin a new path that I'll still have some support and prayers. I'm going to lie low on social media for...as much time as I need, as it does nothing good for me.
Laura
