2018: A Reflection

2018

I had thought that 2017 was a roller-coaster of a year...but I hadn't met 2018 yet. It began with a leap of faith- coming off all medications I had been on for almost six years (remind me not to do that again...), and those leaps of faith just kept coming. 

January was dark.

It was quitting medications cold turkey. It was an arrival and a departure within 24 hours of one another, leaving me in shattered pieces and unsure what to do. It was new classes and new professors. It was 1AM nights in either Printy or Lawlor watching "The Office" and playing MarioKart and Smash Bros. It was braving 30 degree temps in Columbus all day for a night of worshipping with friends. It was panic attacks and weight loss.

February was a blur.

It was a bitter Super Bowl loss. It was a prayer journal started. It was theological differences. It was being left without a church to call home. It was laughter over someone's van almost being swallowed by Cedar Lake. It was sending myself a dozen roses on Valentine's Day. It was random 75 degree days, Young's Runs, and an impromptu Ohio State basketball game. It was waiting for February to be over and for March to come. (Little did I know what I was waiting for...)

March was wild (in the most non-ironic sense of the word):

It was grabbing cans of tuna and feeding feral cats with a friend at 10PM. It was 3 new states and a new province visited. It was 1AM chats and tea with precious Canadian family. But then it was insomnia. It was watching the clock turn to 5AM night after night and missing classes. It was panic and questioning God. It was tears, lots of tears. It was suicidal thoughts. It was being minutes away from dropping out. It was the sheer Providence of God. It was two professors I learned to trust, and I knew cared for my well-being. It was the reintroduction of medication. But it was a decision to not return.

April was a juxtaposition:

It was an Easter spent in Florida with my grandparents and favorite aunt and uncle. It was a sunburn that would haunt me the rest of the year. It was a tornado that happened an hour after I arrived back on campus. It was applying to other colleges. It was fights with the financial aid office. It was precious time spent with Lynette. It was flowers blooming and temperatures rising. It was a new favorite coffee drink. It was an interview that impressed me, and a building I fell in love with. It was a chapel that changed me, and changed my mind. It was the return of a friend. It was a new church I could call home. It was a frantic call to my father, making a decision that would change everything. It was a blind leap of faith.

May was the hope of a new beginning:

It was a return to Maine, and the knowing that I had made the right decision to return to Ohio come fall time. It was another decision, to move across campus and live where my mum did nearly 30 years ago. It was excitement after stumbling across another class with my favorite professor and signing up for it. It was finally meeting a man I had looked up to my entire life. It was scones, and tiaras, and waking up at 4:30AM for a royal wedding that I had long awaited. And it was the beginning of a summer course load that I had not anticipated.


June was unsettling:

It was attending a baseball game with an old friend. It was the return of feeling stuck and like I'd go crazy spending one more minute in Aroostook County. It was Tim Horton's...a lot of Tim Horton's. It was going to a place I had called home all my life...and it not quite feeling like I fit there anymore. It was confusion and heartbreak.

July was wistful:

It was the danger of getting a C in Biology. It was a blissful trip to Walker's Point. It was running into a favorite senator at a random bookstore. It was color-coding, scheming, and dreaming. It was getting antsy for a fresh start. It was the dream of getting back to Ohio early, and booking my ticket. It was saying a bittersweet farewell to the place I have always loved, not knowing my place anymore.

August was surprising:

It was a final trip to my dear Canada for a donair run. It was an early morning stop at my favorite doughnut place. It was a 17-hour train ride that gave me sweet time to reflect. It was the end of a 4.0 semester (the only one I'll probably ever get). It was coming back to Ohio early. It was 7 days spent with a friend and her family. It was a move to a new side of campus. It was a new walking path and routine that I have grown to love dearly. It was familiar and friendly faces. It was helping Ashley settle into campus. It was unexpected isolation that turned out to be extra time with the Lord that I needed. It was learning to trust.

September was breathtaking:

It was the most gorgeous sunrises and sunsets you will ever see. It was a dream job I never thought I would get, but I did. It was a solid church routine and falling in love with my Life Group. It was another trip to Washington D.C. It was 8 Starbucks visits in 3 days. It was losing a dear friendship, but gaining so many even sweeter ones. It was a paper that I felt I put my entire life into. It was being honest with myself. It was realizing I had bitten off more than I could chew. It was a professor looking out for me. It was getting the help I needed.

October was wonderful:

It was midterms that were actually a joy to take. It was greeting prospective students. It was Homecoming with Lynette. It was celebrating New England with other New Englanders at a professor's house. It was birthday cheesecake with Laura. It was celebrating 20 years of life with Lynette, Jenna, and Jon. It was a fun hayride with Jenna. It was joining a sweet group of ladies for D-group. It was the beginning of Wednesday lunches at 11 with Kristen. It was wondering about my future. It was getting counsel from Dr. Smith and Dr. Mach. It was counting it all joys.

November was special:

It was coffee dates, so many coffee dates. It was Tuesday lunches at 11 or 1 at Stinger's with Laura. It was card-making, so much card-making, and a new friend to do it with. It was a mentor, a woman mentor for once. It was more meetings with Dr. Smith as well as Dr. Mach, and a sense of peace that accompanied them. It was an unexpected ice storm. It was giggling whilst sitting on the floor and throwing Hershey Kiss wrappers down the hallway in the department building amidst a power outage. It was unexpected text messages that brought so much joy and friendship. It was decorating for Christmas. It was a small stuffed pig wearing a Cedarville sweater. It was running out of exchange meals because I'd had so many wonderful lunch dates. It was a Thanksgiving to be truly grateful for. It was showing Lynette my church. Oh November- how I adored you.

December was a beautiful mess:

It was an unexpected death. It was Starbucks with Cam. It was a 62 degree day, and playing like children at a playground with my roommate. It was learning to laugh at myself as I failed at various things, like making Oreo balls. It was not-so-great news. It was flowers received and hugs given. It was overcoming my hatred of having to use a microphone at the department Christmas party. It was finals. It was a lunch with Dr. Mach and a quick meeting with Dr. Smith that calmed my heart before returning to Maine. It was an impromptu detour to see Carillon Park lit up. It was Lynette staying with me in Dayton later than she needed to, to make sure I started home safely. It was the 86th floor of the Empire State Building with blinding rain, 0% visibility, and 40MPH wind gusts. It was doctor visits. It was a melancholy, but nevertheless blessed Christmas. 

It's been such a trying, but truly good year. 

21 states and 2 Canadian provinces traveled to.

10 sweet friendships made.

13 As achieved in classes.

4 jobs held.

12 months of God's faithfulness.

Who knows what 2019 will bring?

All I know is I am ready for more adventures!!

(...maybe I shouldn't say that...😉)

Laura xx

A Posture of Thankfulness

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!" 

Psalm 107:1

It's just about that time of year again, Thanksgiving approaches quickly.

For the first time in 20 years, I will not be in Maine for it.

You know what though? I'm actually content with it (and never in my life did I ever think I would be able to say that). I will admit that it does feel weird knowing that I will be missing our normal dinner with my Lunn family. Nana has assured me, however, that our day-after-Thanksgiving tradition of decorating the house for Christmas will not occur until I get home around the 15th of December.  I'll instead be heading fifteen minutes southwest to Xenia to celebrate the holiday with Tom & Chris Mach before heading over to Centerville to spend the rest of break with Lynette, Jon, and Jenna. I am so thankful to both the Mach's and Rarick's for being willing to pour into my life.

There are just so many things that I am thankful for this Thanksgiving season, that honestly I don't think I can name them all.

I have blabbed on and on already (to the surprise of many) about how grateful I am to have returned to Cedarville this fall, and to have seen God's hand so evidently in my current situation. Lynette has told me numerous times while hanging out that she cannot believe I am the same person that she met last fall. To have a school so well grounded in the Scriptures and community astounds me nearly every day that I live here. To be involved in a department so full of God-fearing, legitimately caring professors...wowowow.

But my support system is not just here, of course. I would be amiss to not talk about my thankfulness for those back home. Even though I have become more independent of my Main(e) support system, I don't think I would be thriving like I am currently without it.

- My best friend of more than six years, Abbs, is currently pursuing her bachelor's in Communications Writing at Clark Summit University in PA, but distance sure makes the heart grow fonder. Even though we have made new friends and are finding our own, our friendship has not skipped a beat. She is my precious sister, and I am so thankful for the connection we have- I love you sissy (PS- we need to do a Walmart run together during Christmas break.)

- Most nights include a Facetime call with my parents, either separately if Dad is working downstate, or together. Our relationship dynamic has changed immensely, but they are still willing to go the extra mile for me, even with me being 1,200 miles away. The fact that they trust me and trust God with what he is doing in my life is such a blessing. Even though they cannot support me with my college finances, I will forever be grateful that Dad is willing to let me get on Prime once a month and grab various things I need, as I do not get to Walmart often. I know it is hard on them having me away more and more frequently, but they know I'm still their "little Laura string-bean" and that will never change, as old as I get.

- I think people are most surprised to hear that I attempt to get a hour-long conversation in with my Nana every day. The people that really know me, however, know that it is one of the most important parts of my day. My Nana is my best friend, and the impact that her and Papa have had on my life is tremendous. Their impact on so many people in general has been tremendous, even if they do not know it. My separation from them is admittedly the most difficult part about living here in Ohio but we have that mutual understanding that this is the best place for me right now, no matter how hard it is on the three of us.

Nana sends me 2-3 letters each week, and often rags on my Papa for him not writing to me occasionally. I think honestly he just worries that I will not be able to read his handwriting (but if I can decipher the handwriting of my father and Tom Mach, than I can decipher any). Also, if you know my Papa then you also know that he is generally a man of few words, but that when he does speak (other than when he's playing cards...) the words are weighty. Recently at the end of my letter from Nana I found this:

It's just little things that this that remind me that I am so blessed by God.

Dr. White had a phrase that he constantly repeated last year during his sermon series in Proverbs which I had found annoying at first, but it began to weigh on my heart and I realized that it was a truth I needed. If someone had told me this time last year that I would be back here again this year, and not only that, but that I would be content and I would quit being the "world's best escapist?" I would have told them that they were literally crazy cause there was no way in heck that I was returning to Cedarville. But that phrase rings ever true, and I keep it up on my wall so I don't ever forget:

God is faithful, you can trust Him. 

Coming back here was the biggest leap of true faith that I have ever had, I was scared and unsure of what He was doing in my life. Because of it, however, I have so much more to be thankful for this season. God is so good. 

I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving with your families.

Laura xx

Great is Thy Faithfulness

This song has been precious to me ever since I learned it when I was a little girl. As I've struggled with severe anxiety and anxiety-induced insomnia from a really young age, the only thing that seemed to put me to sleep most nights was Selah's Hymns album, which had the song on it. I remember many a night at my paternal grandparents house where my aunt Heidi would play it as I was trying to fall asleep, it always seemed to get my mind to rest and let me sleep.

Last semester, when I went through that solid week-and-a-half running on 2-3 hours of sleep per night due to the absence of my anxiety medication, that was the album that I chose to play as I laid awake in tears. It didn't get me to sleep that time around, but the album and specifically that song kept me reminded of the faithfulness of God and His nature during that intense trial.

I use the song as an illustration, we still sing it every week as we minister to residents at the Good Shepherd Village, and it can be guaranteed that every week I will be reduced to a puddle of tears trying to sing it. I cannot look back at this past year at Cedarville without my heart crying out the chorus.

He has been so faithful.

Being amidst the trials that marked my year at Cedarville last year, I was only able to see the little things that God was doing, and even then sometimes I would refuse to acknowledge them. Most of you are familiar with the context, so I will not delve into the gory details too much. I was just bitter: bitter about finances, bitter about my lack of support in Ohio, bitter about the situation at home...etc. It's so embarrassing honestly to look back because what God was orchestrating was so visible and tactile that in some aspects it couldn't be ignored.

The intentional, loving people that he placed into my life, though some only for a season, helped me realize my own personal failings towards God, and that it was me making myself miserable, and not God spiting me. Faculty, staff, and administration here at Cedarville that have turned into mentors and accountability partners...classmates that have turned into sweet friends...Lynette, though she had grown up with my aunt and uncle, took the time to invest in a fellow County girl who was struggling with her transition to Ohio. Now those along with fellow Dayton Avenue attendees who want to invest in my life through our LifeGroup...

Trips that I've taken over the past year- especially the Providence of God when it came to my difficult spring semester and the week I was able to spend recouping in Florida, when it should have been devastating to miss a week of classes. God has exactly who is needed as our Academic Vice-President, and had it so that I had easy access to him as a professor who poured into my life during that time and made sure that everything was working out with my other professors so I could take a rest.

He has also shown me that I have a solid place here at Cedarville, and that there is not a shadow of a doubt that He placed me here for a reason. You all know that isolation and a sense of not belonging was an overwhelming theme of my last school year. I was confused on what my place was, or if I even had a a place here, period. This year, I am glad to say, has been overwhelmingly different. Now, that is not to say that everything has been sunshine and roses this first quarter, but nonetheless.

There was no real time of "transition" when I got here, and that was the biggest surprise of all. I was back into a routine from pretty much the time that I landed on campus. From the start, doors I had never expected kept being opened to me. I have been able to take on four jobs, including being the research assistant to the History & Gov't Department's Chairman. Most recently, I have been asked to join the Student Advisory Board to the H&G Department. It thrills me to no end to actually be able to interact so deeply with the department and professors I treasure so much. I still don't know why God is blessing me with things such as this, but I thank him daily for it all.

Even when things are tough, when I'm busy from 6:30AM-10PM, or stressed because of exams and papers due, or I am awake until 1:30AM for no known reason, He still shows His faithfulness. Whether it is a friend who randomly texts me to let me know they're praying for me or that they love me, or ask if I want to catch a quick meal. The prof who knows my struggles, and stops me after class and truly wants to know how I am holding up and if he can do anything. My daily phone call with my Nana, where I can lay everything down and just chat and hear her voice. The chapel where we actually sing hymns, or a chapel speaker who shocks me by speaking directly to my heart. My daily walks around Cedar Lake where I can just think and pray for those I see and thank him for this school and campus.

My finances are still not stable. My mental health is still not stable. There are still days where I am vulnerable, and I have to find a public place where I can surround myself with people, for fear of spending a night locked up in my mind.

But through it all, I still find my mind singing to my soul:

All I hath needed, Thy hand hath provided. Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.

Laura xx

Funny Story, Actually...

Hi.

I cringe reading my last post on here. About 25 days after I wrote that, I changed my mind. I actually ended up coming back to Ohio this summer/fall 10 days early, completely out of my own volition. Not really going to give an explanation (not sure I have one) other than I did not want to give up what I was experiencing. I knew deep down in my heart that Aroostook County had not changed and would never afford me the opportunities I knew that I wanted, and I certainly did not want to give up the amazing faculty of the History/Gov't and Bible departments here at Cedarville. 

So here I am, Sophomore/Junior year (I'm crazy for still trying to finish early), and trying to make the most of it. I unfortunately am not in Concert Chorale anymore, not because I did not like it, but rather I just was not prepared for that kind of commitment. So instead- I'm making a bunch of smaller commitments! (I know, defeats the purpose...but oh well!) Still doing the nursing home ministry, and will in fact after December be leading it! We thankfully did not lost any of our residents over the summer, and I will update you all on that probably in a month or so. Also was accepted into the Honors program over the summer, so I've joined the org (Christian fraternity) for that and am getting into the swing of things. I'm certainly not a super deep thinker when it comes to philosophy and theology, so that is going to take a bit of getting used to, but all is well.

Also, for those of you who did not know, picked up another major of Political Science, at the advice of our VP for Academics (who happens to be my favorite prof as well...) because he said I might have a tough time finding a base-level job with just a History degree. In the money realm, currently I have two "jobs". The first is being a host for high school students that come on campus and need a place to stay overnight, and the second being that I am a tutor for some of the classes in the History and Bible Departments. I applied for a third job of being a research assistant for the H&G department, but I do not believe I'll get that because that was a long shot. 

I'm on the completely opposite side of campus than I was last year, living in a dorm that my mother lived in over 25 years ago! (Sorry to reveal your age, Ma...) They've wanted to tear it down for ages, but because Cedarville keeps growing in size, they decided to keep it another year! Thankfully, those who choose to live in there get a 40% discount on housing, which is something I definitely needed. The size is undesirable, but you gotta give up comforts sometime. Really the only problem I have with living there is that I feel alienated from the rest of the campus, but I'm trying to stay on main campus a lot to balance that out. I'll survive.

I'm so thankful for everyone who has been praying for me since this journey began. It's been a wild ride, but I've adjusted back into my Cedarville routine so much better than I ever thought I would. It's beautiful (hot) here, and it's been so lovely to be back in chapel and with the professors I love so much. I'm currently gearing up for my second trip to Washington D.C., which will be in about three weeks from now. Next fall will be my opportunity to intern there, so I'm going to try and familiarize myself again with everything and begin preparing for the beltway now!

I'll probably be posting somewhat regularly again soon!

Laura xx 

A Hard One to Write

This is not something I really wanted to write. My mother will argue that claim until she is blue in the face, but towards the end of December when I left for winter break I had the hope that this semester would be better than the last.

Unfortunately, that is not the case.

But, God is faithful nevertheless, even if I cannot understand what He is doing. 

I guess I will just begin by getting the elephant out of the room, I will not be returning to Cedarville next year. I know the disappoint it holds for many people, especially my family. This post is not a justification post, I will just leave it at the point where I say that personally the amount of debt I have acquired and would continue to accrue is not worth the benefits of attendance.

With that out of the way, I just wanted to update on my semester because I have been largely silent other than random, vague pleas for prayer.


I came into the semester feeling fairly positive, I'd survived one semester and made friends, etc...I was like "Oh, I've got this." It was a slow start, however. A bit of a backstory. I came off my anti-anxiety and antidepressant days before I came back...so I began feeling things I had not felt in five years. I was sick almost every morning when I got up, having about two panic attacks during the day...I couldn't eat... I couldn't get back into counseling, it just was rough.

In addition, I felt God leading me away from the church I had been attending, but was not sure how I was to move forward, and I was growing exhausted of trying to find my place in the friend group I was in. Basically I was just weary.

I was embarrassed and ashamed that I having such a rough time and did not really want to let people know, just because I knew people were rooting for me and praying for me, and I felt like a failure.

It did not get much better as the semester went on.

Praise God I was managing, I was still able to attend my classes and chapel, but my school work was becoming mediocre...and I was becoming somewhat of an invalid trying to manage my anxiety...

I was still doing my devotions and praying and trying to be obedient, but I was beginning to wonder what I was doing wrong and wondering what God was doing (I'm still wondering...). I had just expected it to be so much easier because my first semester had been so rough. 

I was ignoring it and trying to push forward until just a few weeks ago. I went through an entire week where I was getting an average of 2-3 hours a night. I had tried everything under the sun to get to sleep, but for some reason I would lie there and never fall asleep. I'd check my phone and it'd be 2AM, then 3AM, 4AM, and at its worst 5AM. I understand that for many insomnia is not a big deal, but for me it is huge. I need a good amount of sleep, around nine hours, or else my anxiety and depression, along with some physical problems ramp up. So this really seemed like the end of the world. I began not attending some classes and chapel in hopes I could sleep the day away...but I couldn't even sleep during the day. (and I do not skip classes or chapel, that just increased my anxiety even more) I felt like I was going absolutely mad, and I was an absolute wreck. Finally, I broke down and had chats with my RA and RD because I was breaking down. I tried so hard to get into counseling or talk to someone there, but there was nothing available for me. That Friday afternoon my parents were trying to talk me down from quitting the entire semester and coming home.

But God was merciful, so merciful. 

Eventually I was able to get an emergency prescription of my old medication so I was able to sleep a bit more, and I was advised to take a break from the environment...so I extended what was supposed to be my Easter break stay with family in Florida. He worked in amazing ways so that my professors were understanding and I was able to mostly manage assignments while I was away. 

I have four weeks, to the day, until my last final. Even though I am back on medication, I am still struggling with many things. It's hard battling mental and physical health at the same time. I have been battling the Financial Aid Office here for weeks because they have mishandling outside scholarships I received, and feeling the repercussions of not being careful taking out loans at the beginning of the year (we did not take out enough, I had to take out another...). It just has been so messy, and it is hard not to have a wrong mindset of what I have done so wrong that God has allowed this semester to be so terrible...but I know that....somewhere he has a plan in all of this. He knows what He is doing, and as much as I wish I could see what good will come out of this, if any...obviously I cannot.

So if I could be kept in prayers and thoughts I would be so appreciative. I wish I had something better to write, that I've been excelling and prospering...so I do apologize for that. And I apologize that I probably have disappointed many of you, but I hope that as I switch colleges and begin a new path that I'll still have some support and prayers. I'm going to lie low on social media for...as much time as I need, as it does nothing good for me. 

Laura