"When I thought, 'My foot slips,' your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul."
Psalm 94: 18-19
(This is Part 2 of a series that will continue on into May, you can find part 1 here.)
It is kind of amusing, because when I first sat down to write this post about April 2018, I had a pretty gilded view of it. (Gilded- hah, get it? My area of history, the Gilded Age? I shouldn't be allowed to make jokes...) That changed when I went back through my journal and other writings from the month. I had forgot how truly difficult the month had been, at least for the first three weeks of it. The month began on Easter Sunday down in Niceville, Florida with my grandparents and favorite aunt and uncle. However, the very next day I found myself travelling once again on a Greyhound Bus, this time back to a school where I had an uncertain future. Sure, the Lord had already worked in great ways, but I was still returning to a mess.
At that point, I was resigned to the fact that I would be getting Bs in at least two of my classes. Now, to normal people, that would be fine...but for me, that just added to the pain I was feeling. I could tell that most of my professors were not exactly "on my side" and were not impressed with me. That combined with still not sleeping well and some financial issues, yikes. Life was a trip. It actually didn't begin to turn around until the last week of the month. That was one wild week, but it changed my course completely.
Monday, I had an interview planned with Tom Mach about the book he wrote about ten years ago. I had taken US History II that semester with him, and was literally heartbroken that I would never have him as a professor again. [Okay, first of all, this little aside does not have anything to do with Tom, but this was also the day that I fell in love with Founders Hall. The first floor is literally magical.] BACK TO THE STORY. It was through this interview that I was realised like, "Woah...this dude is legit." Like, he'd already helped me that semester, but I was literally...in millennial terms, "shook." He actually gave a crap about me, and my mental health. He took me seriously. This was the first instance where I had remorse for the decision I'd made to leave Cedarville.
The next instance was that Wednesday. I'd gone to chapel and sat with my beloved "BBBBBBs" AKA my "Balding, but biblically based Bible bros." (Some of the profs from our Bible department I used to sit with.) It was Senior chapel, but since I was leaving as well (albeit in different circumstances) I felt the message geared towards me. Dr. Estes spoke with such wisdom, and he ended his message singing a song that had been the song of my soul that entire semester, "Be Still My Soul." It is a song that still drives me to tears just hearing the first few bars. I felt the Lord speaking to me, and I just broke down into tears right there in my chapel seat. The Bible professors sitting with me noticed my distress, and prayed over me after chapel.
I didn't want to leave.
On Thursday my best friend, Abby McDole, returned from her semester in Spain. On Friday we reunited and spent the afternoon together in Xenia catching up. Her return brought even more guilt upon my heart. I'd already told her whilst she was in Spain that I wouldn't be returning, ruining a lot of our plans for the future. Now that she was back...it made me not want to leave even more.
Saturday was the final straw. Abby and I got brunch before going shopping for me, as I didn't really have any "cool" clothes to wear to Elliv, an annual Cedarville variety show (remember, I dress like I'm already fifty). My heart was just absolutely restless during the entire day. We went to Elliv like we were going to that night, but I couldn't focus on it. The Lord decided that that night was the time for Him to grab my attention 100%. In the middle of the show, I had to get up and leave because I knew that I was going to break down. My head was spinning because I wanted to stay, but I didn't really want to stay. I knew the Lord was calling me to stay, but there were no certainties about anything, everything was planned for me to leave and never return. I'd been shipping all my stuff home, I'd applied to UMPI...it was going to be a mess no matter what. So I called my dad crying my eyes out because I didn't know what to do. But I told him that most likely I would end up staying at Cedarville.
Sunday, I went to Dayton Avenue for the first time, and it clicked. For the first time since I'd come out to Cedarville, I felt at home in a church. Blessings upon blessings upon blessings. I still love that church, and my church family (especially my Veritas family) with my whole heart. And that next day, I withdrew from my withdrawal interview (oh, the irony) and told Abby about my crazy change of plans.
One week. Just one week. It changed the course of my entire life, literally.
That was April. Thinking through my twenty-one years of life, I'm not sure I've ever had a month quite like that April.
I am so grateful for that April, and for what the Lord did. I'll be finishing up this miniseries next month.
Laura xx
