Well, as of Monday I have been here a month, and as of today, five weeks.
I know my journey thus far has been somewhat of a disappointment...trust me, I feel the same way too. I have never really been one who has ever been able to take change lightly, and many people can attest that I'm not exactly good at adjustment to anything either. I so admire people who can, but unfortunately that is something I definitely lack.
I certainly do I wish I liked Cedarville better, because I know that especially is a disappointment to my family, and I guess in a way I am disappointed with myself for that too. There are obviously some good things about this school, first and foremost that it is a Christian school. It's nice to have a chapel daily, and finally be surrounded by people who at least share the identity of being children of God. Strangely enough though, I miss being able to use my life as a witness to the unsaved kids around me. I guess I just always knew I had a purpose, doing that.
To the surprise of many people I am sure, I have actually been making an effort to be social since I got here. I was blessed with a very nice (and patient with me) roommate, and the girls in our lower front hall are really kind. I have not made any super special bonds...but I'm a little reluctant to letting people. It is certainly difficult to get used to being on a campus that has a bigger population in two or three square miles than Fort Fairfield does in seventy-eight square miles. That is one thing that I really do not enjoy, I have social anxiety, and honestly in the cafeteria and chapel I get a little claustrophobic and start to panic most days. It's embarrassing, and something I've been praying over, so I hope eventually it begins to...ease up a little.
My classes are decent, though with the struggle of dealing with syllabi, I have not exactly been the outstanding student like I was in high school. It also is a struggle because I thrive in smaller classroom environments, so not being able to get to know my professors and their styles because I'm in classes of 20 or more (one of my classes has 87), is hard on me. It feels like I am going through my classes blind most days because of that. I'm really trying to improve though so I don't completely lose my ethic.
I am struggling to get into a local church for Sundays, which is something I'd really like to do. It's not like there are really any churches like Perham out here, which makes me really sad. However, I am getting my fill of hymns every Wednesday when I go to the nursing home and sing with the residents. That ministry, by the way, is going very well. It's sad in a sense, but it's a joy at the same time. I love older people, and I am so glad I can serve them at least in this way.
As for homesickness? Yeah, still there...I don't think that will ever go away completely. I'm a homebody, and boy do I not only miss my real family, but I miss my church family, and my camp family, and just...The County and Maine in general. Thankfully though, I have learned to save my crying for my alone time, and not to burden my family with it when I call or FaceTime them, or my roommate if she is around. The pain doesn't really ease up, but I have learned I can ignore it by occupying myself with something. So I'll continue to do that until well, until I can come home.
Keep praying for me, if you would. I am trying to live in the present, but finding it hard not to idolize coming home for Christmas break.
Love,
Laura xx
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