I've been out here at Cedarville University for twenty-two days.
As most of you know, I spent the first ten days or so out here trying to get back home, obviously to no avail. I'd wanted to come out, and if the campus did not feel right, I'd been assuming that if I begged hard enough, my parents would let me come home with them. That brings me to my first lesson...1) Always Be Honest With Family
About mid-July I had decided that I really did not think I should go out to Cedarville. The excessive money (due to scholarships I'd expected to get at graduation that I did not...), distance, amount of kids at the school...I just wasn't feeling it anymore. But I had been so determined to get out of the county...I mean, I was the Valedictorian of my class, I deserved better, right? What would my parents and grandparents think if I changed my mind? Would I be a failure? I expressed my concerns to some people I trusted who were outside of my family...but was so pent up with fear of telling my family that I just went along with it all, trying to put on a brave face. (Except if you were around me at all this summer at Living Waters, you know I was not very successful at putting on a brave face.) So when I got here and was downright miserable and my parents did not understand why I was so unhappy....explaining everything at that point was just a burden to everyone, and certainly was not a help. So let's just say I've been brutally honest with everyone since.
2) God Lets Us Make Mistakes, but He Uses It For His Glory
I do believe it was a mistake coming out here, for a variety of reasons. After graduation, I knew it was not feasible financially-wise, my motivations were wrong (I thought I'd be "cool" if I went out here, I wanted to show people that I was better than the county...), and I did not want to listen to the advice of my family who thought it might be wiser to stay closer to home for a bit, because I love to be difficult and rebellious. But most of all? I was not feeling led there anymore, but I didn't want to see where God was going to lead me. Huge, huge, HUGE mistakes. But since I cannot go home, I believe somehow, someway he is using this semester for His glory. He IS teaching me all these lessons, and I know he wants me to learn from Him and lean on Him though these next three months. So though I cannot see the beauty quite yet, I know it is just beyond the horizon.
3) Escaping is Never the Correct Option, and I'm Never Too Good For the County
I'm basically a professional escapist. You name it, I'll try and escape from it. I've never been exceptionally well at dealing with anything, and I am never one to be content unless everything is just peachy keen. (My mother could testify this until she was blue in the face.) Towards the end of middle school, and when I started high school, I began to have a huge burden for the county. This was the time where I was most close to the Lord, but it kind of went downhill from there. During my following years of high school, I was riding high on the satisfaction of my grades and valedictorian status, making myself believe that I was too good for The County. I basically looked down on everyone and felt them inferior to me. I became so determined that I needed to escape the County, and once I did that everything was going to be magical.
...yeah right.
Since being out here, I've felt tremendous guilt about this, and realized how much I could have touched the County my final years of high school. I know I cannot do anything about it now, but I'm so glad I have been able to be humbled here. Being removed from the County has made me remember that I'm really nothing special, other than being a child of God. And that "escaping" the County was a dumb decision. It has its problems, but everywhere has its problems, and I should have listened to my parents about that. I have gained such an appreciation for everything, but I'll expound about that next....
4) Appreciate What You Have While You Have It
I thought I appreciated my family, my church, Living Waters, and everything I had materially. After everything that went on that first weekend, I quickly realized I obviously did not. God really revealed how selfish I had been, and that I was not grateful for who and what He had given me. They say you never know a good thing until it's gone...and I can certainly attest to that now. I've always wanted more and more and new things and new people and new environments...but all I long for now is the old. This has certainly been one of the toughest lessons for me, as I would give almost anything to be around the people and things I love and have loved.
And finally? (For now...)
5) Dreams Are Foolish
Now, don't get me wrong on this, I still have dreams and dream a lot (I'm a writer, isn't dreaming a prerequisite to writing??), but it's all fairly foolish. God has been taking a lot of my so-called "dreams" and showing me that they are dust. I grew up on Disney, and a lot of my favorite songs have to do with dreaming...and wishing...but God knows me (and you) way better than we even know ourselves. One of my "dreams" was to come out here...and see how well that has turned out, hahah. Another one of my "dreams" was to have already found my future husband by now and to be in a committed relationship....but God has turned that "dream" into wanting more of Him. I got out here, and seriously within a week I had no desire to be in a relationship with anyone, He had wiped that slate clean...and that slate had not been clean in a looooooong while. He has shown me that He does not want me to settle, which I was literally 100% ready to do, but to wait on Him, and so I'm going to try to. It was such a weird thing, but it really made me realize that my dreams are so small, so...so foolish in a way.
Anyways, I probably have some homework I should be doing, but I wanted to give you all an update on some of the things that have been happening in my heart since I arrived here.
Laura xx
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