Funny Story, Actually...

Hi.

I cringe reading my last post on here. About 25 days after I wrote that, I changed my mind. I actually ended up coming back to Ohio this summer/fall 10 days early, completely out of my own volition. Not really going to give an explanation (not sure I have one) other than I did not want to give up what I was experiencing. I knew deep down in my heart that Aroostook County had not changed and would never afford me the opportunities I knew that I wanted, and I certainly did not want to give up the amazing faculty of the History/Gov't and Bible departments here at Cedarville. 

So here I am, Sophomore/Junior year (I'm crazy for still trying to finish early), and trying to make the most of it. I unfortunately am not in Concert Chorale anymore, not because I did not like it, but rather I just was not prepared for that kind of commitment. So instead- I'm making a bunch of smaller commitments! (I know, defeats the purpose...but oh well!) Still doing the nursing home ministry, and will in fact after December be leading it! We thankfully did not lost any of our residents over the summer, and I will update you all on that probably in a month or so. Also was accepted into the Honors program over the summer, so I've joined the org (Christian fraternity) for that and am getting into the swing of things. I'm certainly not a super deep thinker when it comes to philosophy and theology, so that is going to take a bit of getting used to, but all is well.

Also, for those of you who did not know, picked up another major of Political Science, at the advice of our VP for Academics (who happens to be my favorite prof as well...) because he said I might have a tough time finding a base-level job with just a History degree. In the money realm, currently I have two "jobs". The first is being a host for high school students that come on campus and need a place to stay overnight, and the second being that I am a tutor for some of the classes in the History and Bible Departments. I applied for a third job of being a research assistant for the H&G department, but I do not believe I'll get that because that was a long shot. 

I'm on the completely opposite side of campus than I was last year, living in a dorm that my mother lived in over 25 years ago! (Sorry to reveal your age, Ma...) They've wanted to tear it down for ages, but because Cedarville keeps growing in size, they decided to keep it another year! Thankfully, those who choose to live in there get a 40% discount on housing, which is something I definitely needed. The size is undesirable, but you gotta give up comforts sometime. Really the only problem I have with living there is that I feel alienated from the rest of the campus, but I'm trying to stay on main campus a lot to balance that out. I'll survive.

I'm so thankful for everyone who has been praying for me since this journey began. It's been a wild ride, but I've adjusted back into my Cedarville routine so much better than I ever thought I would. It's beautiful (hot) here, and it's been so lovely to be back in chapel and with the professors I love so much. I'm currently gearing up for my second trip to Washington D.C., which will be in about three weeks from now. Next fall will be my opportunity to intern there, so I'm going to try and familiarize myself again with everything and begin preparing for the beltway now!

I'll probably be posting somewhat regularly again soon!

Laura xx 

A Hard One to Write

This is not something I really wanted to write. My mother will argue that claim until she is blue in the face, but towards the end of December when I left for winter break I had the hope that this semester would be better than the last.

Unfortunately, that is not the case.

But, God is faithful nevertheless, even if I cannot understand what He is doing. 

I guess I will just begin by getting the elephant out of the room, I will not be returning to Cedarville next year. I know the disappoint it holds for many people, especially my family. This post is not a justification post, I will just leave it at the point where I say that personally the amount of debt I have acquired and would continue to accrue is not worth the benefits of attendance.

With that out of the way, I just wanted to update on my semester because I have been largely silent other than random, vague pleas for prayer.


I came into the semester feeling fairly positive, I'd survived one semester and made friends, etc...I was like "Oh, I've got this." It was a slow start, however. A bit of a backstory. I came off my anti-anxiety and antidepressant days before I came back...so I began feeling things I had not felt in five years. I was sick almost every morning when I got up, having about two panic attacks during the day...I couldn't eat... I couldn't get back into counseling, it just was rough.

In addition, I felt God leading me away from the church I had been attending, but was not sure how I was to move forward, and I was growing exhausted of trying to find my place in the friend group I was in. Basically I was just weary.

I was embarrassed and ashamed that I having such a rough time and did not really want to let people know, just because I knew people were rooting for me and praying for me, and I felt like a failure.

It did not get much better as the semester went on.

Praise God I was managing, I was still able to attend my classes and chapel, but my school work was becoming mediocre...and I was becoming somewhat of an invalid trying to manage my anxiety...

I was still doing my devotions and praying and trying to be obedient, but I was beginning to wonder what I was doing wrong and wondering what God was doing (I'm still wondering...). I had just expected it to be so much easier because my first semester had been so rough. 

I was ignoring it and trying to push forward until just a few weeks ago. I went through an entire week where I was getting an average of 2-3 hours a night. I had tried everything under the sun to get to sleep, but for some reason I would lie there and never fall asleep. I'd check my phone and it'd be 2AM, then 3AM, 4AM, and at its worst 5AM. I understand that for many insomnia is not a big deal, but for me it is huge. I need a good amount of sleep, around nine hours, or else my anxiety and depression, along with some physical problems ramp up. So this really seemed like the end of the world. I began not attending some classes and chapel in hopes I could sleep the day away...but I couldn't even sleep during the day. (and I do not skip classes or chapel, that just increased my anxiety even more) I felt like I was going absolutely mad, and I was an absolute wreck. Finally, I broke down and had chats with my RA and RD because I was breaking down. I tried so hard to get into counseling or talk to someone there, but there was nothing available for me. That Friday afternoon my parents were trying to talk me down from quitting the entire semester and coming home.

But God was merciful, so merciful. 

Eventually I was able to get an emergency prescription of my old medication so I was able to sleep a bit more, and I was advised to take a break from the environment...so I extended what was supposed to be my Easter break stay with family in Florida. He worked in amazing ways so that my professors were understanding and I was able to mostly manage assignments while I was away. 

I have four weeks, to the day, until my last final. Even though I am back on medication, I am still struggling with many things. It's hard battling mental and physical health at the same time. I have been battling the Financial Aid Office here for weeks because they have mishandling outside scholarships I received, and feeling the repercussions of not being careful taking out loans at the beginning of the year (we did not take out enough, I had to take out another...). It just has been so messy, and it is hard not to have a wrong mindset of what I have done so wrong that God has allowed this semester to be so terrible...but I know that....somewhere he has a plan in all of this. He knows what He is doing, and as much as I wish I could see what good will come out of this, if any...obviously I cannot.

So if I could be kept in prayers and thoughts I would be so appreciative. I wish I had something better to write, that I've been excelling and prospering...so I do apologize for that. And I apologize that I probably have disappointed many of you, but I hope that as I switch colleges and begin a new path that I'll still have some support and prayers. I'm going to lie low on social media for...as much time as I need, as it does nothing good for me. 

Laura

Lessons from The Good Shepherd at Good Shepherd

I wasn't going to attend the involvement fair. I was in a terrible mood that afternoon, and had spent most of it crying. And to top it all off, Lynn was calling me. Now, don't get me wrong, Lynn LaBelle is one of my all-time favorite people, but I knew why she was calling: I was going to get a sassing. (To be honest, I deserved it and needed it.)

Sure enough, after being told that I needed to stop wallowing and go do something, I went to the involvement fair. I was beyond overwhelmed by the amount of people lining the streets, but I already knew what I wanted to look for- elderly ministries. I have a great reverence for older people, and I have a fascination with getting to know the nooks and crannies of people, and older people have such history that I love to listen to what they have seen and lived.

I actually chose the table that was the least fancy, which maybe will surprise most of you. I didn't want to be a part of something too big though, I wanted to be on a team with a few people that I could get to know very well, and so I took the info from the girl, Stephanie, who turned out to be the group leader!

I did pray about the decision to join, but the Lord made it very clear that he wanted me involved in this ministry.

The ministry itself was going to the Good Shepherd Nursing Home in Springfield, Ohio (only about 20 minutes from campus) from 6-8 every Wednesday night, where we would sing hymns and pray with the residents that wanted to join us. (Eventually we also formed a group that would go around room-to-room ministering to those who either could not leave their rooms, or maybe did not want to.)

The first night I went, I was very nervous, looking back I'm not sure why I was...but I was! It was uncomfortable the first few moments we were there, as obviously I had no clue who these people were (most of the others did because this was their second year), and of course...nursing homes unfortunately do not have the best sights and smells. But, it did not take long before I really felt the Lord pressing on my heart, and I cried so much the first night because I truly feel hymns to the core...and just singing them in the state I was in made me quite emotional.

The second week particularly stands out because I met an older lady named Sue. She reminded me a lot of my Nana, she is a Christian, and she told us the story of her and her "yankee" husband. She was so sweet to us, and instead of us praying for her, she asked if she could pray for us, and we held hands as we prayed...and I could just feel the tears streaming down my cheeks (I'm a crier, if you couldn't tell.) It turns out that she has some sort of memory issue, and she does not remember us on a weekly basis...but I always have fun re-introducing myself to her and watching her face light up as she talks about her husband.

The Lord has humbled me greatly in this ministry, and opened up my heart and hands for more compassion for people than I have ever felt in my life. It blows my mind every day, because I tend to be such a hard-hearted person, but wow! Only by His grace! It is so hard to see these men and women being the shell of who they once were, and to know that many of them do not have friends or family who would come and visit them...or simply that they don't visit them. It just breaks my heart, and I wish I could spend more than the mere two hours once a week with them.

I'm not sure I ever could have seen myself spending Wednesday nights being a one-on-one to an older lady who is not very verbal and has memory issues, simply holding her hand and stroking her cheek while we sing. (I know she's singing...she sings the melody lines with unintelligible words, but I know she's still praising!!) But God has been so kind, and so gentle to me...that His love has brought so much love into my heart. He has given me patience, and compassion...and I cannot even begin to express my thankfulness. Nothing is sweeter than singing "Great is Thy Faithfulness" with a generation that knows his faithfulness much more than I will know until I reach that same age. Because great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me. I hope I keep that in mind, and I cannot wait to continue on with the ministry next semester!

A Season of Abundant Thankfulness

There are many reasons why I love the month of November,  including the fact that in my head it's already Christmas season. I'd be amiss, however, to completely skip over Thanksgiving. I know we are called over and over again to be in a state of constant thankfulness, but I have a feeling that I'm not the only one who kind of forgets about it, only to have it be the focus of mostly just November. (I do acknowledge that this is a terrible thing indeed, though!)

Thanksgiving has taken on a new meaning this fall. These past three months have just been...in a strange way, a blessing. I came here with a cold, hostile heart, wondering why God was keeping me at Cedarville, let alone on the earth. July-September was a very dark time for me, darker than it had been for years. But God,

 ...isn't it always that simple, two-word phrase, "but God?" 

But God kept prodding at the lock on my heart, reminding me that I was still that His sensitive little girl, just needing His love and His strength to carry on. And He broke it, though I did not realize it at that exact moment. Once I gave it up, only then did he reveal those He was placing in my life that He knew I could love on, because even though I'm crusty on the outside, He somehow gives me more and more love every day that makes me want to invest in people. And I'm so unbelievably thankful for that. 

He removed me from the County so I could realize what He'd given me the past eighteen years of my life, and I pray I will forever live with this newfound thankfulness for those of you I left behind. I have been supported in ways I never thought possible, card after card, package after package...the love overflows and I know it is only because of Him. 

The people He has placed in my life here. I'm very intentional about my relationships with others and I like to get to the core of people, and I know that many people are not looking for a friend like that, so I'm thankful for those who have let me in, even if just a little. I only have one person who really has got to know me and my story (love you, Abby!) and vice-versa, but I know there are others out there, so I'm not losing hope. And I'm so blessed to have a group that has taken a chance on me, that I now am able to spend time with on a regular basis, because even though I know I'm not the most interesting character of the bunch, that they still value me. God is faithful. I'm thankful, as well, to have a church that I hopefully will be going to go to on a regular basis, and it's just that small church atmosphere God knows I needed to thrive and miss terribly back home. 

Yes, I'm still mighty vulnerable (thankful for all of you who bear with me!!), and while not every day is sunshine and roses... praise God I'll never be the same. And I could not be more thankful. 

Laura xx 

Finding My Own

Yesterday I rolled out of bed at 5:30AM. 

To some of you that seems like too early, but many of you know that normally 5:00AM has been my waking time since eighth grade.

I've lost a lot of motivation since I got here (if that has not been obvious...), but it is a little victory that I got up that early, and I was excited to do it. I used to crave my early mornings where I spent an hour sipping on coffee and diving into my devotions, but since now I am usually up until 10:30 (9:00 was my normal bedtime...that's impossible here), I normally am not up until 6. 

Obviously part of the reason I have lost my motivation is because of everything that has changed. I was always excited to get up and go to school because I knew that I was the star of the academics, and the music program, and student government. Because I was President of NHS and Valedictorian of my class, I knew I had to represent myself well. Things are different here, because I'm just one out of almost 4,000 students. When I got here, I felt like I had lost myself, and lost my value. 

It's been a struggle to say the least. When it comes to social interactions, you guys know that I am a little tough to get to at first. I'll 100% vouch that I am an intense person, and so to overcompensate for that, when I meet new people, even if they interest me I try not to let them know that. So...probably a lot of kids here on campus have a very wrong first impression of me, and think I'm a cold person.  The people that know me very well know that actually I'm a very sparkly and loving person who loves to dish out sarcasm but tends to be a bit too naive to understand it when it is dished back, enjoy making off-color jokes (especially about politicians...), and tends to be a little too passionate about politics and history. All that summed up plus the fact that I have the most annoying real laugh in the world (you'll know if you've heard it...), and also that I have a great history of being rejected by people and I'm terrified of being rejected constantly again...I haven't quite found "my people" yet. 

However, all of this is to say that I am finding my own, though I'm a bit slow to it. Thank God for my roomie and some of the other girls in my part of the dorm. None of them have been exposed to the "singing Disney and broadway songs in obnoxious voices at the top of my lungs" or "spontaneous dance party to 70s and 80s hits"or "spending two hours talking only about how much I love George W. Bush" part of me, though...one of them has experienced me quoting "The Princess Bride" along with the movie (sorry Abby!!). I'm beginning to trust them, and for some of them at least I know they enjoy me...even with all my quirks. I've even found a friend who enjoys politics as much as I do! (It was dangerous, I basically pounced on him, the poor guy.)

I've also got a small job taking notes for students who have some disabilities, my nursing home ministry, and now I'm getting involved in some politics (Lord help those working with me...). Even though I do wish I'd joined the choir and the pep band here, it's a start. With those, I'm beginning to thrive a little, hence why I was able to get up at 5:30AM yesterday. I'm beginning to start to want to actually invest in my academics, and invest in people (a group of guys and girls actually let me sit with them at meals when I see them...an actual miracle), and just...invest, period.  Even occasionally I've been wondering, "Well...what if I were to stay?", which I know will astound all of you.

Anyways, enough rambling for an afternoon, but I thought I'd give you all an update.

Laura xx