Beauty from the Ashes: Part 1

"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing: you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!"

Psalm 30:11-12

(This is Part 1 of a series that will continue on into April and May.)

Today marks the one-year-anniversary of the time that I almost dropped out of Cedarville. Like, was about to hit up the Registrar's Office, and by the grace of God I was stopped in my tracks. I had been at my literal wit's end, and in my sleeplessness-induced state of psychosis, had not been sure I could even live. It was my lowest point, but God brought me up from it; slowly, but surely.

Not everything was solved immediately, and that's why this will be a three-part series. No amount of help I received made things perfect, though I should mention that I would not be here at Cedarville, or maybe even alive if I had not received that help. I stumbled the rest of the semester in a few of my classes, and I had to work my butt off and intentionally work on my relationship with the Lord to make it through the rest of that semester. However, that gracious allowance of the Lord to let me leave Cedarville for almost two weeks at the end of March to get me back in a place where I could work on my mental and spiritual health was major. 

I've learned a lot, and I am still learning from that dark March, and especially from that day. Most of all, I've learned that I cannot simply cure mental illness by denying that I suffer from it and stopping medication. Sure, I can be pretty convincing with appearances. And I am not denying that I truly am that type-A, driven person who loves her cardigan/shell/pearls combo that people see most of the time. But I had to accept that I am also a person who has to fight daily random panic attacks, is prone to bouts of depression, and some days can only bring myself to throw on some mascara and a baggy sweatshirt. Also that I take medication for a reason, and I do myself more harm than good when I quit it cold turkey.

I also learned, and am still learning that vulnerability is something that needs to happen, but not everyone is going to like my vulnerability or accept me for it, and I need to be okay with that. Mental illness is still fairly taboo in Christian circles. I sent a fairly vulnerable mass email to my professors on the 24th of March explaining my situation and why I would be leaving campus for nearly two weeks in the middle of the semester. I had a total of two professors (Mach and Murdoch) who I felt saw me as more than a letter grade, and actually reached out to help me. Despite how far that set me back in my trust of people, it has helped me grow. Just because some people will not be okay with my vulnerability, it doesn't mean I need to lie and act like I am fine 100% of the time. I am still working on this, and will continue to be, but praise the Lord for those people who I know will walk along with me even when I am a blubbering mess, and for those who currently walk along with me.

I left for Florida on March 25th, and while it was an adjustment for me getting back on my medication and keeping on top of schoolwork, my wild spirit was able to be soothed during the time spent with my grandparents at Michael & Cheryl's house.

I'll be back in April to reminisce about April of 2018. It was another month filled with intense struggle, but it was also the month in which God changed me radically and called me out into faith like I had never experienced before. I can't wait to delve into that, but I wanted to make sure I gave context.


Laura xx