This is going to be a long one, so you might want to cozy up with a cup of coffee or tea.
But then again- when do I ever write anything brief? That would not be very Laura-like.
I have decided to dub this summer "The Great Adventure," hearkening back to my favorite early Steven Curtis Chapman hit. Moreover, it is a summer where I have made a covenant with the Lord to live more authentically and intentionally as I prepare for my senior year here in Cedarville. Reaching the point of that covenant meant me reaching a low I had not been to in over a year, though.
(Me in front of my lil house- 95 N. Main)
Let me give you some context.
Unfortunately, just as the summer was about to begin, I was not living authentically or intentionally, and had instead fallen into some old, bad habits. I'll be honest with you all, the last two-three weeks of the semester were an actual train wreck, perpetrated only by me. I will keep most of the details private, because not only is it still extremely tender, but it does not just involve me. I won't sugarcoat the reality of it, though- I was extremely suicidal the last couple weeks before school ended. I apologize if that shocks or really bothers anyone who is not familiar with me. I am a master at acting perfectly normal because I do not want to scare those in daily contact with me. It is not something I particularly care to discuss as it is a tender topic for me and for the Church as a whole, but many of you know that I have struggled with mental issues such as this for years. I have very few people who knew out here, but those who do have kept and continue to keep a watchful eye over me. The true issue with this, and with my continuing struggle with depression and anxiety is I like to gild everything that is going on, and that often leads into me lying about my life and sometimes even about those who are in it. My brain can somehow convince me that it is better to lie to those who have explicitly stated their care and concern for my well-being so I am not burdening them and that my current situation does not worry them. Oh! And a not-so-fun fact: I also was not attending chapel unless I forced myself to go and sit with our VP of Academics to keep me accountable, skipping my devotions and classes, and not preparing for finals as I should have. But I thought I was fine, floating along in the web of "little" lies which had built up...until I was confronted on them.
Unfortunately, just as the summer was about to begin, I was not living authentically or intentionally, and had instead fallen into some old, bad habits. I'll be honest with you all, the last two-three weeks of the semester were an actual train wreck, perpetrated only by me. I will keep most of the details private, because not only is it still extremely tender, but it does not just involve me. I won't sugarcoat the reality of it, though- I was extremely suicidal the last couple weeks before school ended. I apologize if that shocks or really bothers anyone who is not familiar with me. I am a master at acting perfectly normal because I do not want to scare those in daily contact with me. It is not something I particularly care to discuss as it is a tender topic for me and for the Church as a whole, but many of you know that I have struggled with mental issues such as this for years. I have very few people who knew out here, but those who do have kept and continue to keep a watchful eye over me. The true issue with this, and with my continuing struggle with depression and anxiety is I like to gild everything that is going on, and that often leads into me lying about my life and sometimes even about those who are in it. My brain can somehow convince me that it is better to lie to those who have explicitly stated their care and concern for my well-being so I am not burdening them and that my current situation does not worry them. Oh! And a not-so-fun fact: I also was not attending chapel unless I forced myself to go and sit with our VP of Academics to keep me accountable, skipping my devotions and classes, and not preparing for finals as I should have. But I thought I was fine, floating along in the web of "little" lies which had built up...until I was confronted on them.
Surprise! I was not the only one being affected!
You'd think after twenty-one years of life I would have learned that lesson by now, but alas, I have not. In my embarrassment, panic, and anguish the Lord humbled me to the point of repentance, and so I made a covenant to stop living as I had and to try to live with as truth and honesty as I could. But can I tell you something? It's not easy. Ingrained far back in my brain is the impulse to say "I'm fine," when anyone asks how things are going or how I'm doing, even if I am literally in crisis. Thankfully I had some people who were able to see right through that, but I ended up hurting both myself and others when mindlessly giving that answer time and time again. The Lord has taken ahold of me, however, while the consequences of my actions are painful and I am learning lessons that are also painful, this is all necessary.
I am prayerfully in the pursuit of the Higher, and of truth.
Now with that out of the way- what exactly am I doing in Cedarville, Ohio this summer?
Those close to me know the struggle I had with trying to find a job. My father had helped me update my resume and I had applied nearly everywhere on campus, with lots of rejections or no replies. I had so badly wanted to be able to serve somewhere on campus during the summer, and so that was another reason I had been feeling suicidal. I was questioning whether I had missed some sort of sign from God that I was actually supposed to leave Cedarville for the summer...and at that point I had already committed to living downtown. I'd committed it to the Lord back in December of 2018, but my patience was worn thin. It was literally the last day of the semester when I SO GRACIOUSLY got an offer from Dr. Smith and the History & Government department to continue working for them, and to work for the school's lawyer on the side. To those who know me the best- that was the dream scenario which I'd refused to entertain the thought of. So that was absolutely wild to me, the Lord once again showed me that I needed to just trust Him. They've also graciously allowed me to use one of their offices for my work this summer, and they have just been so warm and kind in putting up with me. I am also taking four classes online...so I have not quite figured out how I am going to balance working 5-6 hours a day and doing schoolwork, but I'm working on it. This was my first week with all four classes, so it will just take a little time for me to get into my groove.
As for the state of my mental health, I have been a bit lonely, which is unfortunately a major trigger for me. I would definitely call myself an introvert, but I often need people around me to ground me. I am not going to try and explain how my brain works, but essentially if I am alone and get locked up in my head my thoughts can become very irrational very quickly. I am extremely thankful for my friends who are willing to get together whenever their schedule allows, and for those who take me into their homes with no questions asked. As well, those from my church who have stepped in to meet my needs, and who offer to be of help anytime that I need it. I am learning every day what true biblical friendship looks like, and how the Church should function as a body and family. Everything is picking up though, so that is to my benefit as keeping busy keeps me somewhat okay. I also am able to find a fair bit of joy in my daily walks. I'm a big fan of nature, and walking around the outskirts of campus while listening to some good John Denver or Simon & Garfunkel always lifts my spirits.
(My typical sight on my daily walks: we don't have wildflowers in Ohio like we do in Maine, but it's still beautiful!)
Many of you have wondered if I will be coming home to Maine to visit this summer, and unfortunately it is looking like that answer is "no." It is kind of ironic because two of my best friends and a professor of mine will all be heading up there at various times in the next month, but it just does not look viable for me. I miss my ocean, I miss Canada, I miss Living Waters and my friends there, and of course I miss my family and pets...but this is where the Lord has me. I am excited for the opportunity to get to know some of my professors better, to spend quality time with my friends who live here, as well as spend time with my church family, and to grow spiritually.
You can always keep me in your prayers if you think of it, I am a bit of a mess. I love to jokingly refer to myself as trash, and I know that I am not actually trash...but I'm kind of fumbling through life right now. I am going to continue to keep a low profile on social media for the time being, I just know I won't be able to keep a healthy grasp on it. But I am able to see the Lord's goodness and faithfulness in the little things. All I have needed, Thy hand hath provided!
I'll just leave you guys with a Bible verse that's been on my mind and heart a lot lately. Life on earth is finite, I've had to wrestle with the reminder of that in the months since Nana's passing. But I'm slowly learning to be intentional with my time, and make the most out of my limited days, especially my limited days here at Cedarville. It is hard to grapple with the fact that I only have a year left in this "greenhouse." I know I am still going to stumble and hurt those I love at times, but with the help and guidance of the Lord, there is mercy and grace for each day.
"So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom." Psalm 90:12
Laura xx
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