An Update

I am officially a senior at Cedarville University.

Let that soak in for a moment.

For those of you who have been with me through this entire journey, I am sure that many of you are amazed along with me that I have reached this point.

That being said, it's about time to give you all an update on life.

My summer was a paradox, it had so many great moments, but there were some very low moments as well. Peaks and valleys, as we would say in "Christianese." It was such a blessing to spend my summer here in Cedarville, but there were a lot of difficult personal decisions that I had to be making during that time, and many of the decisions I made were not wise. You live and you learn, but still it is difficult.

(So glad that I got to see Papa for a little bit.)

I was able to do some traveling, and though it ended up coming to bite me in the rear, I am still glad that I was able to go home, and then spend some time in two of my favorite cities. 

(I had perfect weather during both of my stopovers in Washington. About 80 and sunny, both times!)

Life has been a bit wild these past couple of weeks as my list of probably unwise decisions continues to pile up. As many of you know, I am living off-campus this year in a house. I truly do love having my own space, but it has come with a bit too much craziness for my liking. They do not teach you in school how difficult it is preparing finances for your first place. It makes even more difficult being out here on my own and without my parents here to ease the stress. I am so thankful to all the families that have decided to make me a little part of their family, though, because I would not have been surviving these transitions without them. 

This fall will be a trip, that's for sure. I am not overloaded with classes for once, I am only taking seventeen credits, but there's just a lot of other stuff going on. Hopefully there will be a few graduate school visits mixed in with my GRE exam and a trip or two to D.C. I am also hoping to get a bit more involved in my church and on campus during my final year here. We'll see. 

My heart hurts that it's my final year here. I'm going to try and soak up all the wisdom I can from my favorite men on campus and try to grow in this greenhouse as much as possible before I have to go back to the real world. 

Pray that I grow this year. There are some things that are going to be difficult things that I know will probably arise. 

Hopefully I'll be back to regular posting soon.

Laura xx

Nana- Six Months On

Grief is an odd thing. I don't think it ever quite ends, or I don't think it will in the case of Nana.
I know that I didn't properly grieve, it's hard to when consumed by schoolwork. That clicked during my final counseling session for the school year, when the dam of tears actually burst. My counselor was happy that the vulnerability had finally come, but I had suffered greatly between that Friday morning in May and the five months that had passed since my grandmother's death.

I did feel it. I still feel it. I felt it in the three months where I couldn't fall asleep at night without crying because my last memories of her played in my mind, and I couldn't rationalize the fact that in two weeks she went from not being able to finish a game of Rummy with me, to being with the Lord. I feel it when I replay a voicemail she left me on my phone last summer, it was just a simple message...she needed me to help her with something up in the trailer at Living Waters. I feel it when on the phone with my Papa, as I hear and feel his pain. I'm feeling it right now as I struggle with the fact that I won't be home this weekend for her burial. I feel like I am betraying her. My best friend and beloved grandmother, and I can't even come home for her burial?

 Oh, how I wish it was not so complex.

Life goes on, but the pain is still raw. The only photo I brought out to school with me this past year was one of Papa and Nana taken at Disney in 2016, in honor of their 60th anniversary. It means I get to "see" her every day, even if I don't get to physically see her again until glory. I know she's still with me in a figurative sense. I wear a ring of hers most days, one that her fingers could no longer hold after they became thin and bony, it makes me feel like she is there. Whenever I buy an iced coffee, a regular occurrence as all of you know, I can hear her voice in the back of my mind sassing me with: "What are you doing?! You don't need that! You have a Keurig at home!"

But I've reached the point where I no longer attempt to call the house phone in the afternoon, knowing that Nana is not eagerly awaiting my daily call. I no longer daily check my mailbox, knowing that my weekly letter from Papa doesn't come until Friday. When referring to the house, I only slip occasionally in no longer calling it Nana and Papa's. I'm improving. The real test will be when I come home at Christmas, but I try not to think about that. I didn't think I could last six months without her, but here I am, still here.

I am trying to focus on the fact that her pain ended six short months ago, while I sat watching football at the Mach's. In that moment my life may have changed forever negatively, but she went on to a life so much better than I could ever imagine. So I am comforted in that.

"Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints." Psalm 116:15

Until we meet again, Nan. 

The Great Adventure (and the failures leading to it!)

This is going to be a long one, so you might want to cozy up with a cup of coffee or tea.

But then again- when do I ever write anything brief? That would not be very Laura-like.

I have decided to dub this summer "The Great Adventure," hearkening back to my favorite early Steven Curtis Chapman hit. Moreover, it is a summer where I have made a covenant with the Lord to live more authentically and intentionally as I prepare for my senior year here in Cedarville. Reaching the point of that covenant meant me reaching a low I had not been to in over a year, though.

(Me in front of my lil house- 95 N. Main)

Let me give you some context.
Unfortunately, just as the summer was about to begin, I was not living authentically or intentionally, and had instead fallen into some old, bad habits. I'll be honest with you all, the last two-three weeks of the semester were an actual train wreck, perpetrated only by me. I will keep most of the details private, because not only is it still extremely tender, but it does not just involve me. I won't sugarcoat the reality of it, though- I was extremely suicidal the last couple weeks before school ended. I apologize if that shocks or really bothers anyone who is not familiar with me. I am a master at acting perfectly normal because I do not want to scare those in daily contact with me. It is not something I particularly care to discuss as it is a tender topic for me and for the Church as a whole, but many of you know that I have struggled with mental issues such as this for years. I have very few people who knew out here, but those who do have kept and continue to keep a watchful eye over me. The true issue with this, and with my continuing struggle with depression and anxiety is I like to gild everything that is going on, and that often leads into me lying about my life and sometimes even about those who are in it. My brain can somehow convince me that it is better to lie to those who have explicitly stated their care and concern for my well-being so I am not burdening them and that my current situation does not worry them. Oh! And a not-so-fun fact: I also was not attending chapel unless I forced myself to go and sit with our VP of Academics to keep me accountable, skipping my devotions and classes, and not preparing for finals as I should have. But I thought I was fine, floating along in the web of "little" lies which had built up...until I was confronted on them. 

Surprise! I was not the only one being affected!

You'd think after twenty-one years of life I would have learned that lesson by now, but alas, I have not. In my embarrassment, panic, and anguish the Lord humbled me to the point of repentance, and so I made a covenant to stop living as I had and to try to live with as truth and honesty as I could. But can I tell you something? It's not easy. Ingrained far back in my brain is the impulse to say "I'm fine," when anyone asks how things are going or how I'm doing, even if I am literally in crisis. Thankfully I had some people who were able to see right through that, but I ended up hurting both myself and others when mindlessly giving that answer time and time again. The Lord has taken ahold of me, however, while the consequences of my actions are painful and I am learning lessons that are also painful, this is all necessary.

I am prayerfully in the pursuit of the Higher, and of truth. 

Now with that out of the way- what exactly am I doing in Cedarville, Ohio this summer?

Those close to me know the struggle I had with trying to find a job. My father had helped me update my resume and I had applied nearly everywhere on campus, with lots of rejections or no replies. I had so badly wanted to be able to serve somewhere on campus during the summer, and so that was another reason I had been feeling suicidal. I was questioning whether I had missed some sort of sign from God that I was actually supposed to leave Cedarville for the summer...and at that point I had already committed to living downtown. I'd committed it to the Lord back in December of 2018, but my patience was worn thin. It was literally the last day of the semester when I SO GRACIOUSLY got an offer from Dr. Smith and the History & Government department to continue working for them, and to work for the school's lawyer on the side. To those who know me the best- that was the dream scenario which I'd refused to entertain the thought of. So that was absolutely wild to me, the Lord once again showed me that I needed to just trust Him. They've also graciously allowed me to use one of their offices for my work this summer, and they have just been so warm and kind in putting up with me. I am also taking four classes online...so I have not quite figured out how I am going to balance working 5-6 hours a day and doing schoolwork, but I'm working on it. This was my first week with all four classes, so it will just take a little time for me to get into my groove. 

As for the state of my mental health, I have been a bit lonely, which is unfortunately a major trigger for me. I would definitely call myself an introvert, but I often need people around me to ground me. I am not going to try and explain how my brain works, but essentially if I am alone and get locked up in my head my thoughts can become very irrational very quickly. I am extremely thankful for my friends who are willing to get together whenever their schedule allows, and for those who take me into their homes with no questions asked. As well, those from my church who have stepped in to meet my needs, and who offer to be of help anytime that I need it. I am learning every day what true biblical friendship looks like, and how the Church should function as a body and family. Everything is picking up though, so that is to my benefit as keeping busy keeps me somewhat okay. I also am able to find a fair bit of joy in my daily walks. I'm a big fan of nature, and walking around the outskirts of campus while listening to some good John Denver or Simon & Garfunkel always lifts my spirits.

(My typical sight on my daily walks: we don't have wildflowers in Ohio like we do in Maine, but it's still beautiful!)

Many of you have wondered if I will be coming home to Maine to visit this summer, and unfortunately it is looking like that answer is "no." It is kind of ironic because two of my best friends and a professor of mine will all be heading up there at various times in the next month, but it just does not look viable for me. I miss my ocean, I miss Canada, I miss Living Waters and my friends there, and of course I miss my family and pets...but this is where the Lord has me. I am excited for the opportunity to get to know some of my professors better, to spend quality time with my friends who live here, as well as spend time with my church family, and to grow spiritually.

You can always keep me in your prayers if you think of it, I am a bit of a mess. I love to jokingly refer to myself as trash, and I know that I am not actually trash...but I'm kind of fumbling through life right now. I am going to continue to keep a low profile on social media for the time being, I just know I won't be able to keep a healthy grasp on it. But I am able to see the Lord's goodness and faithfulness in the little things. All I have needed, Thy hand hath provided! 

I'll just leave you guys with a Bible verse that's been on my mind and heart a lot lately. Life on earth is finite, I've had to wrestle with the reminder of that in the months since Nana's passing. But I'm slowly learning to be intentional with my time, and make the most out of my limited days, especially my limited days here at Cedarville. It is hard to grapple with the fact that I only have a year left in this "greenhouse." I know I am still going to stumble and hurt those I love at times, but with the help and guidance of the Lord, there is mercy and grace for each day. 

"So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom." Psalm 90:12

Laura xx

Beauty From the Ashes: Part 3

"The Lord is faithful in all his words and kind in his works."

Psalm 145:13b

(This is Part 3 of a series, you can find part 1 here and part 2 here)

If I am being honest, I had no desire to actually sit down and write this conclusion. A total of like ten people read what I post, and I've had little motivation to even to get up in the morning. I miss Maine, a lot. Don't get me wrong, I love Ohio, and I am being tremendously blessed living out here, but I miss the comfort of Maine, and seeing my pets and Papa. Seasons of depression are difficult for me to get out of.

But I'm working on it.

Now- let us jump back into May 2018.

(I posted this picture on Facebook & Instagram to hint that I was returning in the fall)

That first week of May was a lot of fun. Even though it was finals week, I wasn't too stressed. Abby and I spent a lot of our time together as she was already through with finals, and we ended up having some conversations that I'll always remember, for their humour if nothing else. It was also in those few days that I made a lot of impulse decisions I'd later reverse, after realising my adviser didn't have a clue on what would be best for me. I spent one day as an Integrated Social Studies Education major, before I switched to a double major of PoliSci and History. It was a lot of big decisions that I shouldn't have been making whilst I was trying to pack things up and get ready for my trek back to Maine.

A friend from home had agreed to let me travel back with him, and so we made plans to leave on that Friday after he finished his last final. Claire and Nate helped me pack up my things and get them into Kurt's truck, and on the 4th I said a teary-eyed farewell to Cedarville until the fall. At this point, no one really knew that I was staying, and so I kind of hinted at it on social media. We were around the Akron area when my phone started to ring, and somehow I knew exactly who it was- Lynette. Her and I were not close enough at that point that I would have buzzed her as soon as I had made my decision, but it was so thrilling to tell her that I'd be back. Even though she was going to be up home during the summer, I hadn't wanted to leave that friendship in Ohio.

Home was home, I realized that quickly after I arrived. The initial high of seeing my pets and my grandparents was great, and I was excited to get back into a routine of daily Tim Hortons runs with dad and spending most afternoons at Nana and Papa's...but I knew I'd made the right decision about coming back to Cedarville. There was no future for me in Aroostook County, and especially in Fort Fairfield. It was also in that month in which I made some decisions I would like to gloss over, such as ill-fated decision to join the Honours Program and deciding to live in Faith for my Junior Year. But I did make the wise decision to take four summer classes, and while scoping out fall classes to take, I found out that I could take another class from Mach, so that was pretty dope. Everything ended up balancing out in the end.

So in conclusion, and reflection...

I have said this a million times over, but I am still passionate about it- I am SO glad that God worked in me and my circumstances so that I could return to Cedarville. He knew that was where I needed to be, but silly me had wanted to fight Him on it. And spoiler alert- disobedience and stubbornness towards God never works out. I just have to be reminded of that every once in a while....or maybe all the time. What the Lord has brought me in the past year has literally made this past year the craziest of my life. but I am thankful. It is still a bit difficult for me to reconcile and process it all, but I am trying to remind myself of the goodness and faithfulness of God.

I'll be back on in a week or so to give everyone a recap and update on life here in the 'Ville. 

Laura xx

Beauty From the Ashes- Part 2

"When I thought, 'My foot slips,' your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul."

Psalm 94: 18-19

(This is Part 2 of a series that will continue on into May, you can find part 1 here.)

It is kind of amusing, because when I first sat down to write this post about April 2018, I had a pretty gilded view of it. (Gilded- hah, get it? My area of history, the Gilded Age? I shouldn't be allowed to make jokes...) That changed when I went back through my journal and other writings from the month. I had forgot how truly difficult the month had been, at least for the first three weeks of it. The month began on Easter Sunday down in Niceville, Florida with my grandparents and favorite aunt and uncle. However, the very next day I found myself travelling once again on a Greyhound Bus, this time back to a school where I had an uncertain future. Sure, the Lord had already worked in great ways, but I was still returning to a mess.

At that point, I was resigned to the fact that I would be getting Bs in at least two of my classes. Now, to normal people, that would be fine...but for me, that just added to the pain I was feeling. I could tell that most of my professors were not exactly "on my side" and were not impressed with me. That combined with still not sleeping well and some financial issues, yikes. Life was a trip. It actually didn't begin to turn around until the last week of the month. That was one wild week, but it changed my course completely.

Monday, I had an interview planned with Tom Mach about the book he wrote about ten years ago. I had taken US History II that semester with him, and was literally heartbroken that I would never have him as a professor again. [Okay, first of all, this little aside does not have anything to do with Tom, but this was also the day that I fell in love with Founders Hall. The first floor is literally magical.] BACK TO THE STORY. It was through this interview that I was realised like, "Woah...this dude is legit." Like, he'd already helped me that semester, but I was literally...in millennial terms, "shook." He actually gave a crap about me, and my mental health. He took me seriously. This was the first instance where I had remorse for the decision I'd made to leave Cedarville.

The next instance was that Wednesday. I'd gone to chapel and sat with my beloved "BBBBBBs" AKA my "Balding, but biblically based Bible bros." (Some of the profs from our Bible department I used to sit with.) It was Senior chapel, but since I was leaving as well (albeit in different circumstances) I felt the message geared towards me. Dr. Estes spoke with such wisdom, and he ended his message singing a song that had been the song of my soul that entire semester, "Be Still My Soul." It is a song that still drives me to tears just hearing the first few bars. I felt the Lord speaking to me, and I just broke down into tears right there in my chapel seat. The Bible professors sitting with me noticed my distress, and prayed over me after chapel.

I didn't want to leave.

On Thursday my best friend, Abby McDole, returned from her semester in Spain. On Friday we reunited and spent the afternoon together in Xenia catching up. Her return brought even more guilt upon my heart. I'd already told her whilst she was in Spain that I wouldn't be returning, ruining a lot of our plans for the future. Now that she was back...it made me not want to leave even more. 

Saturday was the final straw. Abby and I got brunch before going shopping for me, as I didn't really have any "cool" clothes to wear to Elliv, an annual Cedarville variety show (remember, I dress like I'm already fifty). My heart was just absolutely restless during the entire day. We went to Elliv like we were going to that night, but I couldn't focus on it. The Lord decided that that night was the time for Him to grab my attention 100%. In the middle of the show, I had to get up and leave because I knew that I was going to break down. My head was spinning because I wanted to stay, but I didn't really want to stay. I knew the Lord was calling me to stay, but there were no certainties about anything, everything was planned for me to leave and never return. I'd been shipping all my stuff home, I'd applied to UMPI...it was going to be a mess no matter what. So I called my dad crying my eyes out because I didn't know what to do. But I told him that most likely I would end up staying at Cedarville.

Sunday, I went to Dayton Avenue for the first time, and it clicked. For the first time since I'd come out to Cedarville, I felt at home in a church. Blessings upon blessings upon blessings. I still love that church, and my church family (especially my Veritas family) with my whole heart. And that next day, I withdrew from my withdrawal interview (oh, the irony) and told Abby about my crazy change of plans.

One week. Just one week. It changed the course of my entire life, literally.

That was April. Thinking through my twenty-one years of life, I'm not sure I've ever had a month quite like that April. 

I am so grateful for that April, and for what the Lord did. I'll be finishing up this miniseries next month.

Laura xx