Lessons I Have Been Learning

About two weeks ago to this day I realized that I was about to go broke. Like- actually broke. Not a penny to my name. Plus my rent was already past due and my utility bills were quickly approaching. Now, I will admit that I've found myself in difficult spots before where I've had to ask my parents for $20 for groceries, but this was different. My parents have been so gracious to me during this time so I am very thankful- they have provided money for a host of different reasons- but their money was running out as well. Just the mere thought of this sent me into a deep depression which has meant all the typical things- me unable to get out of bed, the only good part of my personality basically being nonexistent, isolating myself- the usual. Most significant and if I'm being honest, the most terrifying part of it all though is that I allowed myself to fall very behind on my schoolwork (I almost say this with a bit of a laugh though, because I have a very dear couple who their first question for me when I'm not doing well is- "How's your schoolwork?" Sorry T&C, it ain't good.)

My 21st birthday quickly approaches, and I have found it difficult not to compare it to where my mother was at this point in her life- freshly graduated from Cedarville, and about to get married to my father with her life much more in order than mine is currently. When I turn 21 I will be in the throes of an uncertain senior year also at Cedarville, with no clue what my next year of life is going to look like, and single as all heck (that part doesn't actually bother me, though.) I'm not where I want to be spiritually, mentally, and even physically, and it feels like the waves of life just keep tossing over me, and I am unable to catch my breath. I get frustrated a lot because I allow myself to think a lot: "Well, if Nana was still alive, x, x, and x wouldn't have happened." Now- I know that in reality if Nana was alive, though some things would have been able to be resolved or prevented more easily, she was not the panacea for my life.

So through this whole mess I have been learning and re-learning some very difficult lessons:

1) I need people.

                           Some of y'all are going to think I am real stupid for putting this as a lesson, because this is really obvious, right? Not so simple for my serotonin-lacking brain. When I am having a depressive episode, I tend to isolate myself rather than surround myself with people, which ends up making things so, SO much worse. Living alone, this escalates things. Even though I tend to get anxiously attached to people, I have had to face the hard truth that I actually need people to steer me in the right direction, to ground me, and to provide encouragement during the difficult times. After a quick coffee chat with my discipleship professor, he even recognized that in me. I thrive the most when I am regularly grabbing coffee and meals and just spending quality time with the people that I cherish the most. This goes hand in hand with my next lesson.

2) Humility is key.

                          I have a strange fear of being arrogant. I literally went into the office of my boss a couple of weeks ago and asked him if he thought I was arrogant or not. But I've realized over the past couple of weeks that I have had a pride of a different kind. In my not bringing myself to get help, to ask for help, to bring myself around people...I've been believing that I can do it all on my own. That I can manage the mess that is my life on my own. I've even skipped counseling twice in a month because I thought I couldn't give up an hour of my precious time to accomplish things to actually let it all out- spoiler alert: big mistake. I've never been able to do it all on my own, and I certainly cannot right now. So I've had to come to a point of accepting my life and myself as I truly am right now, and that many things are beyond my ability and control.

3) I need to look for what the Lord gives me and be grateful, even if it is not necessarily what I want...
                       This has been really difficult for me. I like to pray bold prayers because I know that the Lord answers bold prayers, but many of them have either not been answered, or have been answered in ways that I did not quote-on-quote "want." Whether it be relationships that weren't restored or did not deepen as I wanted them to, wanted opportunities that never came to fruition, difficult situations I was not delivered from...for the most part the Lord has fulfilled those wants) and what I thought I needed) in different ways. Other people were brought into my life, food was provided to me, I somehow ended up with just enough money for groceries, and people surrounded me for support in those situations I could not get out of. I'll admit sometimes I just am so upset that life isn't going how I'd like that I can't even notice what the Lord is providing, or I refuse to not be grateful. I am trying to turn that around.

Anyways- back to the whole "I'm broke" situation- it's now been resolved, thank goodness. Not through methods I would have wanted, but now I do not have to go into any further debt to pay for my rent and utilities for the rest of the semester. I had to find a little humility and bring myself to call upon someone I knew could help me out, and it took a lot out of me to admit my situation and ask for that help. 

It's still going to be a bumpy ride to the end of the semester, but I'll make it. I always do.

Until next time,

Laura xx

September

Today is technically the first day of fall, but it sure does not feel like fall out here in Ohio. We are still having daily highs into the 80s, and as of right now, the predicted high for October 1st is 91 degrees. You would think that after two years of being out here, my body would had adjusted to a longer summer, but alas- it has not! I'd be lying if I didn't say that I am wishing for cooler weather as the trees begin to change and the leaves begin to fall. Anyways, I cannot believe that we are already almost to October- I rarely think about my birthday month until it's upon me.

September has been a trip. I'm going to admit that it's been a bit of a mess, it just seems like I cannot get out from underneath the waves of life right now. I am learning day after day how difficult adulthood can be. I want to give a shout-out to my parents though, because honestly this past month would not have been survivable without both their emotional and financial support. I always wanted to be an adult, and have a place of my own where I could entertain and have space for my friends to come to and feel at home. It was so great in my mind and while it is still great in reality- there are so many things attached to it. I now have bills I am responsible for and while I've always looked being "domestic"...I am realizing why people have a hard time keeping up their homes when they have jobs and other responsibilities. Despite that, though, I love having this house. I get to bake things for people when I want, cook meals for friends, and have movie nights.

(Here's a picture of my living space. It's drab still, but it's coming together!)

Classes are going well so far- I am taking my lightest load yet with only 17 credit hours. I am taking my extra time to either embrace it being my last year here, or working. I still am working for the Center of Political Studies (H&G Department), but in a lesser capacity than I was this summer, as it is the school year now. I am so beyond thankful for the friendship, guidance, and support from those above me in the department, it's such a blessing to have professors who are willing to work with me and help me towards my goal of being a professor. I feel like I spend my life in our building, but it's been an extra home to me. I also have officially joined Dayton Avenue Baptist as a member, so I am so happy about that. I've found a family there as well. I find it so amazing that the Lord keeps providing me with support when I need it the most.

Coming up, I take the GRE (graduate record examination) on Saturday, which I have to admit I am quite nervous about. This whole "getting into grad school" is kind of wigging me out at the current moment. I am in major debt from my time at Cedarville, so I will really need to get an assistantship if at all possible for graduate school. Right now the school I am looking at the most is the University of Cincinnati- it's a good program where I could possibly just continue on to my PhD there if I am successful in my Master's program, and it's close to home. We'll see what happens, though.

I would really love if if I could have prayer over the next couple months as I complete my application process for grad school- and that I would rest in whatever the Lord does, and for my finances. If you want more details on my current financial situation and the details surrounding it, you can contact me directly, but I'm not super comfortable with throwing it out there on the internet.

So there's your September update! As things keep happening this semester, I will keep you all informed!

Laura xx

An Update

I am officially a senior at Cedarville University.

Let that soak in for a moment.

For those of you who have been with me through this entire journey, I am sure that many of you are amazed along with me that I have reached this point.

That being said, it's about time to give you all an update on life.

My summer was a paradox, it had so many great moments, but there were some very low moments as well. Peaks and valleys, as we would say in "Christianese." It was such a blessing to spend my summer here in Cedarville, but there were a lot of difficult personal decisions that I had to be making during that time, and many of the decisions I made were not wise. You live and you learn, but still it is difficult.

(So glad that I got to see Papa for a little bit.)

I was able to do some traveling, and though it ended up coming to bite me in the rear, I am still glad that I was able to go home, and then spend some time in two of my favorite cities. 

(I had perfect weather during both of my stopovers in Washington. About 80 and sunny, both times!)

Life has been a bit wild these past couple of weeks as my list of probably unwise decisions continues to pile up. As many of you know, I am living off-campus this year in a house. I truly do love having my own space, but it has come with a bit too much craziness for my liking. They do not teach you in school how difficult it is preparing finances for your first place. It makes even more difficult being out here on my own and without my parents here to ease the stress. I am so thankful to all the families that have decided to make me a little part of their family, though, because I would not have been surviving these transitions without them. 

This fall will be a trip, that's for sure. I am not overloaded with classes for once, I am only taking seventeen credits, but there's just a lot of other stuff going on. Hopefully there will be a few graduate school visits mixed in with my GRE exam and a trip or two to D.C. I am also hoping to get a bit more involved in my church and on campus during my final year here. We'll see. 

My heart hurts that it's my final year here. I'm going to try and soak up all the wisdom I can from my favorite men on campus and try to grow in this greenhouse as much as possible before I have to go back to the real world. 

Pray that I grow this year. There are some things that are going to be difficult things that I know will probably arise. 

Hopefully I'll be back to regular posting soon.

Laura xx

Nana- Six Months On

Grief is an odd thing. I don't think it ever quite ends, or I don't think it will in the case of Nana.
I know that I didn't properly grieve, it's hard to when consumed by schoolwork. That clicked during my final counseling session for the school year, when the dam of tears actually burst. My counselor was happy that the vulnerability had finally come, but I had suffered greatly between that Friday morning in May and the five months that had passed since my grandmother's death.

I did feel it. I still feel it. I felt it in the three months where I couldn't fall asleep at night without crying because my last memories of her played in my mind, and I couldn't rationalize the fact that in two weeks she went from not being able to finish a game of Rummy with me, to being with the Lord. I feel it when I replay a voicemail she left me on my phone last summer, it was just a simple message...she needed me to help her with something up in the trailer at Living Waters. I feel it when on the phone with my Papa, as I hear and feel his pain. I'm feeling it right now as I struggle with the fact that I won't be home this weekend for her burial. I feel like I am betraying her. My best friend and beloved grandmother, and I can't even come home for her burial?

 Oh, how I wish it was not so complex.

Life goes on, but the pain is still raw. The only photo I brought out to school with me this past year was one of Papa and Nana taken at Disney in 2016, in honor of their 60th anniversary. It means I get to "see" her every day, even if I don't get to physically see her again until glory. I know she's still with me in a figurative sense. I wear a ring of hers most days, one that her fingers could no longer hold after they became thin and bony, it makes me feel like she is there. Whenever I buy an iced coffee, a regular occurrence as all of you know, I can hear her voice in the back of my mind sassing me with: "What are you doing?! You don't need that! You have a Keurig at home!"

But I've reached the point where I no longer attempt to call the house phone in the afternoon, knowing that Nana is not eagerly awaiting my daily call. I no longer daily check my mailbox, knowing that my weekly letter from Papa doesn't come until Friday. When referring to the house, I only slip occasionally in no longer calling it Nana and Papa's. I'm improving. The real test will be when I come home at Christmas, but I try not to think about that. I didn't think I could last six months without her, but here I am, still here.

I am trying to focus on the fact that her pain ended six short months ago, while I sat watching football at the Mach's. In that moment my life may have changed forever negatively, but she went on to a life so much better than I could ever imagine. So I am comforted in that.

"Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints." Psalm 116:15

Until we meet again, Nan. 

The Great Adventure (and the failures leading to it!)

This is going to be a long one, so you might want to cozy up with a cup of coffee or tea.

But then again- when do I ever write anything brief? That would not be very Laura-like.

I have decided to dub this summer "The Great Adventure," hearkening back to my favorite early Steven Curtis Chapman hit. Moreover, it is a summer where I have made a covenant with the Lord to live more authentically and intentionally as I prepare for my senior year here in Cedarville. Reaching the point of that covenant meant me reaching a low I had not been to in over a year, though.

(Me in front of my lil house- 95 N. Main)

Let me give you some context.
Unfortunately, just as the summer was about to begin, I was not living authentically or intentionally, and had instead fallen into some old, bad habits. I'll be honest with you all, the last two-three weeks of the semester were an actual train wreck, perpetrated only by me. I will keep most of the details private, because not only is it still extremely tender, but it does not just involve me. I won't sugarcoat the reality of it, though- I was extremely suicidal the last couple weeks before school ended. I apologize if that shocks or really bothers anyone who is not familiar with me. I am a master at acting perfectly normal because I do not want to scare those in daily contact with me. It is not something I particularly care to discuss as it is a tender topic for me and for the Church as a whole, but many of you know that I have struggled with mental issues such as this for years. I have very few people who knew out here, but those who do have kept and continue to keep a watchful eye over me. The true issue with this, and with my continuing struggle with depression and anxiety is I like to gild everything that is going on, and that often leads into me lying about my life and sometimes even about those who are in it. My brain can somehow convince me that it is better to lie to those who have explicitly stated their care and concern for my well-being so I am not burdening them and that my current situation does not worry them. Oh! And a not-so-fun fact: I also was not attending chapel unless I forced myself to go and sit with our VP of Academics to keep me accountable, skipping my devotions and classes, and not preparing for finals as I should have. But I thought I was fine, floating along in the web of "little" lies which had built up...until I was confronted on them. 

Surprise! I was not the only one being affected!

You'd think after twenty-one years of life I would have learned that lesson by now, but alas, I have not. In my embarrassment, panic, and anguish the Lord humbled me to the point of repentance, and so I made a covenant to stop living as I had and to try to live with as truth and honesty as I could. But can I tell you something? It's not easy. Ingrained far back in my brain is the impulse to say "I'm fine," when anyone asks how things are going or how I'm doing, even if I am literally in crisis. Thankfully I had some people who were able to see right through that, but I ended up hurting both myself and others when mindlessly giving that answer time and time again. The Lord has taken ahold of me, however, while the consequences of my actions are painful and I am learning lessons that are also painful, this is all necessary.

I am prayerfully in the pursuit of the Higher, and of truth. 

Now with that out of the way- what exactly am I doing in Cedarville, Ohio this summer?

Those close to me know the struggle I had with trying to find a job. My father had helped me update my resume and I had applied nearly everywhere on campus, with lots of rejections or no replies. I had so badly wanted to be able to serve somewhere on campus during the summer, and so that was another reason I had been feeling suicidal. I was questioning whether I had missed some sort of sign from God that I was actually supposed to leave Cedarville for the summer...and at that point I had already committed to living downtown. I'd committed it to the Lord back in December of 2018, but my patience was worn thin. It was literally the last day of the semester when I SO GRACIOUSLY got an offer from Dr. Smith and the History & Government department to continue working for them, and to work for the school's lawyer on the side. To those who know me the best- that was the dream scenario which I'd refused to entertain the thought of. So that was absolutely wild to me, the Lord once again showed me that I needed to just trust Him. They've also graciously allowed me to use one of their offices for my work this summer, and they have just been so warm and kind in putting up with me. I am also taking four classes online...so I have not quite figured out how I am going to balance working 5-6 hours a day and doing schoolwork, but I'm working on it. This was my first week with all four classes, so it will just take a little time for me to get into my groove. 

As for the state of my mental health, I have been a bit lonely, which is unfortunately a major trigger for me. I would definitely call myself an introvert, but I often need people around me to ground me. I am not going to try and explain how my brain works, but essentially if I am alone and get locked up in my head my thoughts can become very irrational very quickly. I am extremely thankful for my friends who are willing to get together whenever their schedule allows, and for those who take me into their homes with no questions asked. As well, those from my church who have stepped in to meet my needs, and who offer to be of help anytime that I need it. I am learning every day what true biblical friendship looks like, and how the Church should function as a body and family. Everything is picking up though, so that is to my benefit as keeping busy keeps me somewhat okay. I also am able to find a fair bit of joy in my daily walks. I'm a big fan of nature, and walking around the outskirts of campus while listening to some good John Denver or Simon & Garfunkel always lifts my spirits.

(My typical sight on my daily walks: we don't have wildflowers in Ohio like we do in Maine, but it's still beautiful!)

Many of you have wondered if I will be coming home to Maine to visit this summer, and unfortunately it is looking like that answer is "no." It is kind of ironic because two of my best friends and a professor of mine will all be heading up there at various times in the next month, but it just does not look viable for me. I miss my ocean, I miss Canada, I miss Living Waters and my friends there, and of course I miss my family and pets...but this is where the Lord has me. I am excited for the opportunity to get to know some of my professors better, to spend quality time with my friends who live here, as well as spend time with my church family, and to grow spiritually.

You can always keep me in your prayers if you think of it, I am a bit of a mess. I love to jokingly refer to myself as trash, and I know that I am not actually trash...but I'm kind of fumbling through life right now. I am going to continue to keep a low profile on social media for the time being, I just know I won't be able to keep a healthy grasp on it. But I am able to see the Lord's goodness and faithfulness in the little things. All I have needed, Thy hand hath provided! 

I'll just leave you guys with a Bible verse that's been on my mind and heart a lot lately. Life on earth is finite, I've had to wrestle with the reminder of that in the months since Nana's passing. But I'm slowly learning to be intentional with my time, and make the most out of my limited days, especially my limited days here at Cedarville. It is hard to grapple with the fact that I only have a year left in this "greenhouse." I know I am still going to stumble and hurt those I love at times, but with the help and guidance of the Lord, there is mercy and grace for each day. 

"So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom." Psalm 90:12

Laura xx